You are always so compassionate, thank you for that.
If she had died, yes it would change my feelings. I would be still grieving as I am now, and probably upset that my life was not how I planned but I would not think negatively of her. I would imagine it would not have been her choice to have died. I am picturing a car wreck or cancer.
She chose to walk out on me and our kids physically and financially and ended our way of life unilaterally with no warning or even a chance to work it out. She chose herself.
She was calculated and merciless in her betrayal, She was and continues to be unspeakably hurtful and is angry with me for not just "getting over it." She is angry with me for my grief.
That makes me very frustrated, angry, scared, sad, and bewildered all at the same time. I do not feel safe when I am around her, I do not trust her.
As for feeling powerless, I do not want to give her any more power over me. I don't want to be a victim and right now the only way I know how not to be a victim is to not engage with her.
Does that reframe things in my mind? I don't know. Does that give me some sense of power by refusing to engage with he? I guess some. You would probably say it is a passive agressive way of demonstrating my hurt. Maybe it is. But I honestly do not know any other way of dealing.
