Thanks V that was exactly what I felt like it was an flood of emotions anger frustration sadness hurt used ect.
Well Today I am taking what will probably seem like a very tiny step to all of you but to me it is a HUGE STEP! The kids are going to gmas tonight and I had bounced back and forth between what I was going to do tonight. I could go sit in the grandstands with his friends I do not really want to sit with, I could go to the pits where him and OW are, or I could stay home pay bills do laundry and clean. Why is this important because I asked myself what I WANT TO DO. Not what is convienent for everyone else. All season long I have sat in the stands just to avoid him and OW as I feel I have to walk on eggshells and I should acomidate him. Well today I have decided I deserve to do what I want and that is to go to the other side (pits) I have decided I deserve to make a choice I want for me. I can go over there and enjoy myself If I run into them be pleasant but with the amount of people there this should not be much of a problem. Why should I always have to avoid the situation. I do not have many friend and I would normally blame that on him. He never takes me out, I always stay home and watch the kids, ect. But none of that is true. They are all choices I made to accomidate him, make him happy, "control", not stir the pot, and simply because I did not want to. It was my choice to isolate myself not his. Sure it was much easier to blame him but its not his fault I made these choices they were my choices and my choices alone. made out of fear, anxiety, control, pleasing him. All these choices only made me anger, bitter, and resentful. So I am going to pull my bootstraps up and I am going to go enjoy myself! Good choice or bad choice I guess we will see. I could go and be misserable but I could go and have a great time. I could run into them or I may not. But either way it was my choice and it gave me a feeling of freedom!
