Of course when I say " accept yourself as is and work on". I mean we should never accept self-loathing. That isn't a part of who we are. There are things everyone needs to work on about themselves. You could still just be and accept yourself for you are. Who you are is not how you beat yourself down. It's ok to try to improve on our " weaker" areas if it helps us love ourselves that much more.
Again, this is a gray are and not so black and white. helping yourself see things in the gray is a great self improvement. Because it does YOU a service.
What sunnyB said about relationships is so spot on. I've learned something in my M and from every one of my post D relationships. Finding someone who is just good enough for the sake of not dating around is something I've pulled myself from. I know it could be better than just good enough. And I honestly couldn't accept being so/so to someone. I've ended relationships on good notes. Took some valuable lessons. And now I'm experiencing what it's like to have more than that and wow. It's awesome. I'm not a "dater", I'm a relationship person. But really, I don't think m you need to worry about that now. NyQuil be shocked. Your attitude will change when you are truly ready to date
I thank you for responding to my post from last week. Things have been nuts, but I want you to know I did read it and I get a better idea where you are coming from.
You really should just accept yourself as you are and really work on getting rid of the self loathing you expressed you had at times. I do believe you do have a standard of being " perfect" in your own eyes. Learn to love yourself for who you are.
Which brings me to the statement of " do I stand or start dating". Well, those aren't your only choices. You can chose to stop standing but not have to start dating. Time alone working on loving yourself before you love another again can be some of the time best spent. You don't need to put pressure on yourself to be in one position or another. I think once you really being to love Zeus with your flaws (we all have them). You will find dating and that connection between 2 human beings much differently.
^^^^^^^^what Ginger said. Spot on!! Zeus, I would hate for you to repeat, but curious to know more about the self-loathing. My H said this shortly after BD. How did this relate or factor in with your M/ W? Sometimes I think you and my H might could be the same person. Certainly see lots of similarities.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Each of you found words to explain things in a way that made sense to me, or maybe it finally is getting through. Thanks for your patience.
V, the difference between being and behavior is duly noted. It mirrors the differences between shame and guilt. Good model to use when I'm catching myself feeling insufficient. Is it for a specific, measurable, changeable reason? Or for no reason or a ridiculous reason? Then apply any adjustments I feel are appropriate and be satisfied with who I am and whatever comes.
Just posted a bit on BT's thread...but one key was that I am no longer trying to vie for someone else's approval to make up for my own disapproval. I know this doesn't work. I feel much better with who I am. It's been my path through the nightmare that is the loss of the family.
And you're spot on Ginger...right now I can't imagine a M working, or a woman accepting me, or me even allowing myself to want anything from a woman, or anything like that. That doesn't mean that's because I'm not good with myself necessarily, it is probably more about PSTD based on what I've gone through and what I'm still going through. IC says 3-5 years to recover, I'm sure in another 2+ years I'll feel quite a bit differently.
When that time comes I think I'll be able to do what Sunny has said, and be more objective about partnering up. As I accept myself more I'm less desperate for someone else's love, making it possible for me to base my decisions on things like whether we're moving in the same general direction. I'm not thrilled with the image of flipping through a catalog of women trying to find the perfect match, but likewise I could exaggerate the other end of the spectrum and say I'm equally put off with the idea of blindly pledging a life long allegiance to a stranger out of desperation, even if that person is totally unprepared to care for me as a human being.
Hey, look at that, I've found a new shade that exists between the darkness in the center of a black hole and the ultraviolet-bleached-tvcommercialsocks white. What a discovery. Maybe I can grow. I mean, I was already alright, but it might be useful to see this grey thing now and then...;)
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I think I just read shift. Really thrilled for you.
I said this to Old Dog, GreenGrass (GG) and Dawn, "you only need one person in whom you are interested and who is interested in you" that's all.
At at 61 I have had four Rs and married three. I have actually never dated, and have found a DB sponsor Karma who has promised to mentor me.
There are lots of lovely ladies, one of whom will be a great fit for Zues. Absolutely, then you can go be a rugrat and have Muscrat love. I absolutely know it, like I know the sun will come up. When Zues is ready, it will be a choice offered to you.
I would also like you to know PTSD can heal very quickly, once you accept Zues and love Zues. Loving Zues is 100% goal unlike anything else, allowing the higher spirit to channel through you. Funnily enough you will be irresistible to the right person when you do. Like a hand and a glove.
Healing first please, I want a great success for Zues.
As for the sexual thing, that's yours to manage like any other trait. For you to accept, be ok with, and say it's me, it's private to me. It's ok, if I know, accept that's part of me, it's not hurting anyone else. My higher power can release me from this dominating me, it's like all compulsions or predilications, your business.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/09/1505:10 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Zues, I was just invited to go with friends to a Miccosukee Tribe festival celebrating American Indian Day. The flyer advertises live alligator wrestling. There you go. Alligators just a plane ride away.
Hey Sunny, I was just going to check in on you. Alligator wrestling! Funny how one day you didn't know such a thing existed, the next day you don't know how you lived your life without it
Weekend is going fine. I was SUPER lazy last night and this morning. Breakfast in bed, playing some chess, reading a bit. Now I'm off to a pool tournament. It's a local one day event, nothing much, just something to do because I like to play.
Last night I played in the rec room at the apartment I live in (I rented this place SOLELY because it has a pool table). There was a woman using the kitchen in the room to make a cake and we made a moment of small talk. Anyway, I started practicing and forgot anyone was there. A few minutes later she came over and asked me if I was getting ready for a tournament. I realized I hadn't missed a ball since I started playing. I just said something like I don't play much anymore but was just 'reliving the glory days'. I do take pride in my game, though, and it's always good for a kick when people have something nice to say. It's funny to imagine how that would look to a third party, just some guy walking up to a crappy pool table in a rec room and proceeding to rain table runs. Hey, I spent 20 years of my life, a lost college education, a lost marriage, and half the lives of my children to get to where I could run those tables. Let me enjoy it
So off to shoot a bit, then will try to kick it in gear for tomorrow. I need to get ready for work next week. July and August were so ridiculously good I feel embarrassed about what they paid me. September is starting slow, not terrible, but it's been a grind. Still, I feel like next week will be pivotal in determining not just my September, but my October as well. Times like this I just feel it's the 'clutch', and as a self proclaimed champion it is time for me to buckle down and put in some hard work over the next week. If I play my cards right I can salvage a respectable September and set up for a good fourth quarter as well. And while money isn't everything, it helps a lot. Also, I just feel better when I'm destroying all of my sales goals.
Then it will be back to kid time, and the cycle repeats.
I do have updates from my lawyer meeting Wednesday, it just took me so much energy to get through that part I am enjoying having that behind me at least for the moment. A few days of regular life with the D process just looming there in the background. But it's all good today.
Have fun Sunny!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Nice update Zues. You sound positive, I like that.
BTW, the festival isn't today. There's still time for you to make it. . Today I'm going to a funeral and then dinner with friends. I might kayak tomorrow, depending on how late the evening runs.
Give a legal upset when you feel like it. My first collaborative meeting is Thursday.
Nice update Zues. You sound positive, I like that.
BTW, the festival isn't today. There's still time for you to make it. . Today I'm going to a funeral and then dinner with friends. I might kayak tomorrow, depending on how late the evening runs.
Give a legal upset when you feel like it. My first collaborative meeting is Thursday.
One day I'm taking you up on one of these invites Sunny.
Wow, funerals and D process on one side, time with friends and kayaking on another. Isn't life strange? Hope you enjoyed your time and glad you're GALing!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Yesterday was a blast. I ended up winning the pool tournament, then played some poker with a friend. He made a deep run in a tournament so we didn't leave until around 2AM. Lot-o-action.
In regards to the pool tournament, I think my experience and knowing myself made a huge difference. You all might think from me writing this that I'm just some juggernaut, but that's far from the case. The reason pool means so much to me is because I was such a weak, pokey, insecure and timid player...and yet with many, many years of practice I was able to learn to 'defend' myself on the pool table.
The #1 most important thing to succeed in any endeavor is DESIRE. You must be hungry. I have typically done well because I have more fire in my belly than pretty much anyone I've ever met. Where does this come from? It is NOT the need to prove I'm 'better' than everyone else. It's to prove that I'm not 'worse' than everyone else. It achieves the same, but it comes from an opposite attitude. I'm not looking to beat anyone, but I can't stand the idea of getting beat!
The challenge I faced yesterday is that I showed up at the poolhall for the tournament, and I felt old and soft. I wasn't that hungry. With all I'm going through pool just didn't seem very important. I even made the comment to a friend "the problem these days is sometimes I don't feel like playing until I'm eliminated from the tournament". In other words, I would play somewhat disengaged, and then only after losing would my engines fire up. Too late. This wasn't the case when I was playing all of the time. Then I was in constant action, and I was 'tournament tough' and always hungry. But watching the younger up and coming players warm up I could tell they were hungrier than me, that they were working hard on their games, that they were eager to get a shot at me and take down a 'name player'. It just made me feel so tired by contrast. I wondered why I was even there.
One of the young guns asked me to warm up with a quick set for $20. This is pretty cheap in the gambling world. The funny thing is on paper I'm a huge favorite, I'm a top player and while he's good he doesn't have the experience I have...but I knew he would have 500% more desire than I did, especially in a little cheap set when I was out of practice. I felt like playing him would be like giving the money away.
But then I had the idea that maybe if I lost $20 to him it would wake up my competitive juices, and it might help me get into rhythm in time for the tournament. So I agreed to play him. Sure enough I lost that set 5-0, I played tired, he played nothing short of inspired.
Then the tournament started. Small field, 8 players, single elimination. But 8 good players. I got a soft draw and sleepwalked through my first match, but along with my warm up set it got me used to being at the table.
My second set I played the young gun that just shot me full of holes in our $20 set. This match was to get to 2nd place which paid $220. I REALLY wanted this set, and the desire was back. Suddenly I wasn't a tired old man. I was as tough as a grizzly, breathing heavy, so intense my gaze was almost scaring the balls into the pockets. I felt like I had tapped into some ocean, some universe of determination that was just out there to be harnessed, I found it, and enlisted it onto my side. The adversity I faced was like water crashing on the waves. None of it could slow me down. I played absolutely brilliant shots, one after another, everything came together, and it was nearly airtight, just squeezing and squeezing until the set was over. He didn't win a game.
Suddenly I was in the finals against- the same guy that I played in the finals last time (two months ago they ran the same tournament and this guy beat me). When I'm playing my best I think I can get there with this guy, but we're on his 'home tables', he's playing a lot, and he got me last time. I was afraid he'd run me over. I made up my mind to fight as hard as I could, and kick and scream with every shot.
Hunger is a funny thing. It's like he could sense how hungry I was, and it rattled him, and I got opportunities, and I absolutely seized them. Next thing you know it was over, he too never won a game.
In fact, I just realized I didn't lose a game yesterday. I think it's safe to say I've never whitewashed a tournament before.
What's so funny is how worn out I felt before the tournament, and how hulked out I felt during and after. I realized I won this tournament on experience. Not during the match, but BEFORE. My gut told me losing that $20 was what I needed to do. While I didn't deliberately lose the warm up set, I intuitively knew I was going to get beat up that set, and I also knew that my own inner fears and insecurities would wake up, and that was exactly what I needed. Like spinach to Popey. Again, as a competitor you really have to understand at a fundamental level how you work, and how to put the pieces together. It's all a game of desire, and I've done well by timing my desire to exactly when I need to have it to get the job done.
So I'm proud of my performance, and it is truly a treat to play at the level I do. I wish I could share with you all how it feels to execute the way I am able to at times. It's just sublime. And it was nice to win money. It always feels good to get the cash.
Back to reality today...laundry, dishes, preparing for this week at work. Updates on legal stuff soon. But wanted to share a little about why I love pool so much, and give a deeper look into my day.
I only wish I'd had someone with me to root me on, or share it with me. I'll share with y'all instead, and know that I appreciate all of you.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
