Yesterday's text was another great reminder that my detachment lives on a sheet of thin ice and anything my W does that moves us closer to D cracks that ice!
I spent the whole evening and early this morning in a state of depression. Rationally I know her visit with the L means nothing. She's moved out, taken her rings off, and been using her maiden name for 9 months now. She's told me she wants a D, and never wavered from it. At least not to me. So what's changed by the L appointment? Nothing.
Still it set me back. I decided to journal myself this morning after a financial coach said to "find the success in your separation". I told her how I had separated all of the positive change - sobriety, job change, meditation, self esteem, relationship and communication knowledge, spiritual growth, and more - into two camps. In camp one was the awfulness of BD and the separation. In camp two lived all of the positives.
If I'm honest though, camp two never would have existed without BD and the separation. I don't have to give my W credit for all that I've done, but two say that it would have happened without her leaving is also a lie. The success in the separation then is all of the growth, all of the change, no matter how scary it is, and how much pain has been experienced throughout it.
Today I have to have faith in the bigger picture. In the fact that all of the above changed comes with me no matter how many meetings my W has with her L, how quickly we get divorced, and anything else that happens between us. Those changes come with me regardless.
The price may be the steepest I've ever experienced, but it happened anyway. Nothing will change BD. Nothing will stop her from leaving last Jan. Nothing. I can't go back an change any of that. But I can be grateful for the fact that my life is now my own.
Today is going to be a bit of a battle. Lots of deep breaths, and lots of faith.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
