Another point that I have realized is that I do have this tendency to want to control everything in our marriage, her, how fast or slow we go, etc. I don't know why but I realize it. I agree I should STOP and cut some slack but her behaviour does irritate me a lot. Nevertheless I will make a serious effort to stop. It is not healthy. That "but" I bolded above...I find that using that "but" just invalidates what you said before. So it's like you know the first part is wrong, butyou feel justified in doing it because of the second part. Try to focus on the first thought and see how you can change your reactions and responses to the second part.
As you know, she lost her job 2.5 years ago and she has found refuge in sports so as to spend less time at home, take her mind off things and the like. She is also trying to make new friends actively by friend requesting on FB, I hardly see anyone asking her. During our talks I told her that I was happy she was making friends as she should like we all should but sad that the little happiness she does seem to have she prefers to share with them and not at home. Heres the same thing. Do you see it? You arent actually happy for her. Youre upset that she isnt sharing with you instead. I also criticized her for not actively looking for work at the beginning and now after so long it is too litle too late with only 2 interviews to show. The result has meant all the weight of the house, finances, relationship and my own work responsabilities have rested on my shoulders during this time which I did not mind until I got criticized for my personality or behaviour by her. my only defence was that all this makes me act like someone I am not and do not want to be but I am tested daily, every time her phone pings, everytime she spends each hour away from home, everytime I have to make a decision, etc. I understand what youre saying - it is certainly difficult when there is a big disparity in perceived "workload". This was a big issue in my M too. I just have trouble seeing how you are taking ownership for yourself here. The way this reads is that you are saying I act like XXX because YOU do XXX. It feels like you are blaming her for your response.
Anyhow I will be moving out of the country (confirmed) next year so have to sell the house and put it on the market next month. She is now at a crossroads. We argue because she asks a question now, maybe another in a few days but will not openly discuss this move and it is worrying her as she says it does not let her sleep. What exactly do you want from her here? You are right in that it is a big crossroads. She is deciding between her security and her perceived "happiness". How is she supposed to talk to you about this without hurting you by telling you the reasons that she doesnt want to go? Our son is also wanting to move as there are no real career prospects and he does not want to settle for a minimum wage. An example of this was when I asked her if she had considered living with a good friend of hers and she replied if I was joking. I said no because she never made any clear indication she was willing to move. She replied that just because she didnt say anything did not mean she wasnt thinking about it. She also mentioned that our son should go with me next month to see what the country is like and I agreed but that it was funny that the person who really needed to have a look and convincing (her) was not coming. Her reply was that she was thinking of coming over with us but that she did not want our son to make a mistake even though she did not say anything. I am not a mind reader and she makes assumptions without hearing all the facts. I really do not understand this behaviour. Like I said, Im not sure exactly what you expect from her. Everything she does towards moving will get your expectations up. Anything that she does towards not moving will cause you pain. By doing nothing, she avoids both. Shes both internally and externally conflicted. She thinks about this move but does not want to talk about it. Just once she wanted the bullet points. her last comment was that her heart was saying stay and her head that she should go. I told her that I cannot live her life for her nor our son, I could live my life. What I did promise was to do everything I could to try and make her happy but it was her call. No! You cant "make her happy". You can be supportive, helpful, attentive. But she is in control of her happiness. Not you. These kinds of comments will just come off as controlling. After so long doing it her way it seemed pointless to carry on and if she was affected at having no job as she said then doing more of the same expecting a different result in view of our current success was not the way to go. Maybe, changing the surroundings, having a job, earning decent money and seeing how it goes for a period, basically a fresh start would be better, especially if living as we are now she is not happy. The key to validation is understanding her side, and trying to be on it, but not to try to solve her problems. A lot of this, these suggestions, come off as you trying to solve problems for her. Thats not your job! She is aware that whatever she does I will be moving, and the house will be up for sale and she will have to go back to her parents house without income and as I also told her, I will move on with my life and her staying will inevitably be the end of our marriage. Sorry, but Im not sure ultimatums will work. I think she understands the deadline. But saying "she will have to go..." is just going to push her away. You are trying to solve her problems. There are many options she has - doesnt mean they are all good. But a lot can change in a year, so I wouldnt try playing out the options forward for her.
She said that some days she was in favour going, others staying and so on and that going meant having what I called a whole marriage or lets call it normal marriage. I agreed, I told her that if she was to move I wanted a new and happy marriage and not the same crappy one we had until now. I made it clear to her that our life and our marriage as we knew it ended the day all this blew up 4 months ago. Nothing would ever be the same again. We now have a chance to build something new or let it go, she had a choice. I would work on any issues to correct them since we both agreed we wanted to just be happy. I think dont be so quick next time to jump in that only SHE has a choice. You both have a choice. It sounds like youre saying "this is what I am doing. You can choose to join or not." Where is the compromise here? Where is the teamwork?
Anyway, we cooled down, and started talking again normally about other things but I imagine she is in some sort of crisis, depression, etc seeing that she has no control of her life but still not wanting to take the bull by the horns and doing something about it. Sorry to keep harping on the same points in my response here. You say she has no control of her life - but I think that its because you are trying to control it all. I think you are projecting your lack of control onto her. Just because she is being indecisive doesnt mean that she is clueless or out of control or depressed. I really think you need to think about the way this is written. Do you consider her an equal part of your marriage?
Sorry about long text but so much happened these days. No problem for me! Write away!
