MLC Funhouse continues

[HaWho]

Thanks AJ, Mleigh and Sotto. I appreciate the pep talk.

Today I am thinking about the varied way MLCers journey through. For those who stand while their MLCers leave, there are oftentimes coming and going boundaries that need setting. Then the LBS has to deal with the MLCers stuff that remains--constant triggers.

For those of us who stand while the MLCer is in the home, there are triggers of a different sort. I find I have many sound triggers. This is quite concerning as I have always tried to make my home a safety zone from all that happens in the outside world.

As I mentioned the other day, the sound of the downstairs shower is a huge sound trigger for me. When H moved downstairs he only used that shower. I can hear it from my upstairs bedroom and heard it run at all odd hours as H raced through replay: wreckless coming and goings. I still hate the sound of that shower. Whenever I hear it there is this quick panic that hits me and old thoughts come back: is he going to see an OW? Is he going to empty the bank account and leave us with nothing? Is he going to leave for good? Where does he go for all that time? How did this become my reality?

In worst of fog, when I shrunk a sweater of H's (I am not so good at laundry), with shark eyes and in front of kids H hissed: "stop doing my laundry! It's over!" Sound of washer is a trigger. It brings me right back there. When we discussed repairing R, H said he would continue doing his own laundry. I think this is good given the situation. When I see him carrying his laundry down, I still have to leave the room. When he leaves his laundry in the washer, I don't turn it over into the dryer. Petty, I know. But a real trigger for me.

The sound of the garage door is a real issue for me. It is beneath the master bedroom and so I became intimate with all of H's comings and goings. So much listening in those days! Ah, he's back! Thank goodness he is alive. What? He's leaving? Where is he going now?

After months and months of this self inflicted torture, sleepless nights and so much worry, I wheeled this very loud air purifier next to me. When turned on to the max level it was as peaceful as an airplane hangar in my room. But mission accomplished: I could not hear that garage door anymore! (Thankfully my big dog who always sleeps right at the front door would be able to hear if an axe murderer came around!)

I credit that crazy air purifier for saving my sanity. I think of the volleyball (Wilson) in Cast Away. That is what that purifier was to me.

With the instituting of that air purifier, coupled with turning off the phone, a domino effect occurred. I couldn't hear his comings and goings so I was able to truly let go, then acting "as if" was effortless! Then he started to squirm. I could see it. Why isn't she hostile that I rolled in at such a crazy hour?

Coincidentally, replay ground to a halt when, once I was free from "hearing," I began sleeping/thinking again so I told him: you should go out and have fun tonight! Big 180 that shocked him! More letting go! (Go run but I am no longer the authority figure in your life.) More acting "as if" but wait, what is this? I am no longer "acting." More squirming from H.

But now, as replay seems to have run its course, MLC "friends" seem to be out of the picture, H now says where he is going, when he will he back and seems to be settling a touch, those two sounds are still triggers for me.

I wish I could pack up those sounds into giant garbage bags and toss them to the curb.