Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

sorry a bit long.....
I'm back from my whirlwind trip to the USA and kids are now back to school.

I returned to my Smom's funeral out of a sense of duty rather than grieving. It was a huge undertaking just to get there due to logistics -- I finally made it towards the end of the funeral, before luncheon. After an incredibly long journey I was completely surrounded by intense unconditional love from people I had not seen in 30 years. People who had known me from age 4-18. People who only offered love and support. It was the most amazing experience to have. At the cemetery, my family was together -- we had not all been together since 2002. That evening, 2 of my brothers/families and myself went out for a meal where we ended up sitting around for 3 hours and laughing. It was so wonderful to feel accepted, like I belong, like I am worthy of love.

The next day I drove my dad 4hrs to his retirement home enroute we stopped at a restaurant he took us to as little children. A great German restaurant - so fun to be able to take him back there. Then I spent 3 days with dad, helping him with details. It was great to spend the time with him. However, I noticed his lack of communication and "controlling" personality traits and wondered if this is why I have been tolerant of H behavour for so long. Dad will be ok, the kids have all been checking on him. At 84 he is learning to live life alone - who am I to moan about learning to do it at 47?

On Wed made the long journey (car, plane, plane, bus) to get to my family in NH. It was really odd to see H again and spend time with him/kids. He immediately said I could have the MBR and he would sleep downstairs. He has gained a considerable amount of weight in 7 weeks (up 1 size) which tells me he isn't living a balanced life -- he is focused on work. His work life is starting to click, however emotionally he still looks like such a lost, confused soul. This was made more obvious by the contrast of the unconditional love which I had been feeling.

We had 2 good days together with the kids and our friends. On the 3rd day, there were a couple of communication mix-ups (about plans/timings) unintentionally caused by our friends which really caused H to go back in to his rabbit hole. These were small things, but H made them in to big things. First, he did some major "throwing the toys out of the pram" over something small. Then, my family had clearly planned on having a family lobster dinner as such a treat in the NH area (H was aware of plan)! Friends & Husband cross-wired the plans. Kids and I decided I really wanted to keep with our original plans as was our only family dinner. We did end up having it but H was very, very grumpy and resentful - blamed me for mixup. Next morning started with apologies to the children and me - rest of the day went ok.

By the last day, he looked miserable. He said work was going stressful, nothing was going smoothly. I know it was also eating him up to have to say goodbye to the kids. His happy times on vacation were with friends H and spending time with our kids. The rest was extremely painful for him. He is also still struggling with trying to control everything. He was not able to just relax, have fun and enjoy the moment with me involved.

We spent 5 days together, not once did he mention the divorce or next steps. One of the things we need to decide is how we are going to divorce - mediation (with attorney advice), attorney-collaborative or court. I have decided not to force a decision on this for now as H's head is completely into the sale of a company which is set to complete in October (after which he will be out of a job again). I am hoping he will engage more in the process if I wait.

I am struck by how I am moving on. I no longer ache for his attention which is met with indifference. I no longer think he is going to be fixed any time soon. His soul is very broke - he is still living a life based on fear which is unhappy and confused. In his personal life, he is living like a victim. In regards to me, he is living in the negative past.

I want to move forward with a life based on love..... there is more to this but not time to explain today.....