Repeat aloud to self: "I must not pursue, I must detach, I must be more patient."
The rollercoaster goes up, and down, and through a loop-de-loop hairpin turn...
Sunday 11 April... W called me me on her way home from her parents and we talk for over half and hour about our weekends. We have a very pleasant conversation. She ends the conversation by telling me how OM has asked to see her tonight because he hasn't seen her in a few days and he is going to be very busy this week. So she is going to see OM tonight after she drops her suitcase off at the house. I say ok, I guess I'll see you later this week. She starts to say something about this and then her phone cuts out. I call her back and she picks up and can't remember what she was saying. I tell her I'll see her when she gets home.
When she comes home I pause the movie I am watching, and help her bring in her bags. I walk upstairs with her--she is freshening up her makeup and changing her clothes. I tell her I may be having a few friends over for brunch next Sunday, and that I'd like it if she could come but understand if she can't. I also ask her if she'd like to go trail running sometime soon. I realize now I was pursuing. She starts into us again.
She tells me I am completely different from how I used to be. She says "it may not seem like it to you, but you are very very different, and it's very good and all, but it freaks me out sometimes, because I look at you and I'm looking at this person who basically didn't care about me at all for five years, and it's like he's someone else now, it's almost like he's been possessed. You may have always felt like you do now, but its only in the last few months that you're behavior has shown it" And she says, "You are too focused on me, and on doing things for me, it's not healthy, you should be out doing things on your own without me, you need to make sure you're doing what you want to be doing, and I don't want to feel obligated, like you expect something from me, like you expect us to get back together, its pushing me away."
I remind her again that I'm doing this for me, I've already made my choices and am happy with them, that I want a healthy relationship, and if its not with her, if its with someone else, then that's how it is. I also tell her that she already knows that I don't want a D, that I love her, I want to be married to her, I think we can work it out, but that I'm ok with whatever she feels she needs to do to be happy, and I don't want to pressure her, I don't feel like I need to repeat that I am fine doing what I am doing. I tell her I will try to be around less. I even tell her we've been having way too many talks about us lately.
After listening to me say these things, she tells me that its all a little wierd for her, sometimes too intense, and would it be possible that she could go to one of my IC sessions with me so we could talk to him together, see what he has to see about couples that are separated but live together. (I'm a little taken aback by this, and rather skeptical too, she seems to think it would benefit me for her to attend, but) I tell her I'll talk to him and see what he thinks about it. On her way out the door, I ask her if maybe we just need a little help learning how to get along better (not what I meant to say but that's what came out of my mouth). She says that's not what she means. I say it might be helpful for my IC when I call him if she were able to tell me what she would like to get out of the session. She says ok, let's talk about it tomorrow.
Whoa. So, yes, I was probably pursuing and clingy when she came in. I messed up, I don't know why I can't seem to stick to the rules all the time. I really hope this didn't cost me too much. But WTF with her wanting to go to one of my IC sessions? On the one hand it scares me, because she really skinned me alive in our MC sessions. On the other hand, it could turn out to be a beneficial thing. I'm feeling kind of like it might be worth it to take the risk, but I plan to ask my IC about it before making any decisions. And about the pushing her away comment... why would she actually come out and tell me this? It kind of threw me.
