I used a few hours this weekend to review my goals, our interaction together, progress, babysteps, etcetera. It was VERY helpful for me. I can see that we continue to make progress. And I've realized that I've detached enough to feel that even if this doesn't work, I've made significant strides in repairing a relationship that was almost dead, a relationship with someone I love very very much, someone who is clearly the most important person in the world to me, and I'm glad about that.
So, here goes my updated solutions journal...
1. My near term goals --That she eats dinner with me at least three nights a week --That she spends some weekend time with me --That she helps out around the house --That there is more physical closeness between us (proximity, hugs, massage, touching, etc) --That we somehow participate in at least one activity a week --That she talks more about her feelinngs, less about divorce --That she uses more "we" statements when talking about the future
2. Doing what works, additions and revisions --Keep LISTENING, really listening! (w/o reacting, w/o defending, don't act hurt) --Avoiding her bedroom in the mornings unless she is cheery and talkative --Generally staying away from "romancy" things like candles with dinner --Be cautious about initiating PT, at least not too often. --DETACH (lovingly) more! Get a life (friends, activities). --Have FAITH! --I need to be strong, to be able to bear her burdens (when she talks about things that are hard for me to hear) --Remember that ACTIONS speak louder than words. --Let HER INITIATE more of the contact and interaction --Take care of myself (get enough sleep, don't push myself too hard, watch my health). --Be OBSERVANT, be on the lookout for babysteps and reward them somehow if possible. --Keep making home a place she wants to be (cleaning, reno projects,...)
3. Babysteps and progress, what she is doing that I appreciate (the following are occurring as of late mar / early april...) --We actually fell asleep together on her bed one night --She continues to compliment my appearance --Gave me a "new clothes fashion show" --She is doing some of her laundry now, and has done more housecleaning. --She occasionally uses we statements, like she is talking about our future together --She still lets me massage her occasionally --She has given me a few hugs --She gave me a kiss on the cheek --She has initiated several talks about her feelings, continues to open up with me --She has taken me shopping with her several times --She seems more interested in my life in general. --Has twice spent three nights in a row with me after I asked if she would spend time with me. --She said she might like to go trail running with me sometime. --She watched a DVD with me --She ate lunch out in public with me --She rubbed my back when I had a muscle spasm. --She admits that we do share a connection (somehow communicative/emotional) --We've had a few instance of lying down on the couch together. --She's admitted that she shares some ofthe responsibility for our M falling apart. --Told me she doesn't think I'll go back to the way I was.
4. Longer term goals --That she would say that she is interested in talking about how our marriage could work. --That she would say or imply that there is more of a chance for our marriage. --That she would say that she is going to stop dating and stop seeing OM as an option for her. --That she would want to be physically intimate with me again. --That she would say that she would like to focus on us and our marriage. --That she would ask for us to sleep in the same bed again. --That she would want to re-commit to our marriage.
