Each of you found words to explain things in a way that made sense to me, or maybe it finally is getting through. Thanks for your patience.
V, the difference between being and behavior is duly noted. It mirrors the differences between shame and guilt. Good model to use when I'm catching myself feeling insufficient. Is it for a specific, measurable, changeable reason? Or for no reason or a ridiculous reason? Then apply any adjustments I feel are appropriate and be satisfied with who I am and whatever comes.
Just posted a bit on BT's thread...but one key was that I am no longer trying to vie for someone else's approval to make up for my own disapproval. I know this doesn't work. I feel much better with who I am. It's been my path through the nightmare that is the loss of the family.
And you're spot on Ginger...right now I can't imagine a M working, or a woman accepting me, or me even allowing myself to want anything from a woman, or anything like that. That doesn't mean that's because I'm not good with myself necessarily, it is probably more about PSTD based on what I've gone through and what I'm still going through. IC says 3-5 years to recover, I'm sure in another 2+ years I'll feel quite a bit differently.
When that time comes I think I'll be able to do what Sunny has said, and be more objective about partnering up. As I accept myself more I'm less desperate for someone else's love, making it possible for me to base my decisions on things like whether we're moving in the same general direction. I'm not thrilled with the image of flipping through a catalog of women trying to find the perfect match, but likewise I could exaggerate the other end of the spectrum and say I'm equally put off with the idea of blindly pledging a life long allegiance to a stranger out of desperation, even if that person is totally unprepared to care for me as a human being.
Hey, look at that, I've found a new shade that exists between the darkness in the center of a black hole and the ultraviolet-bleached-tvcommercialsocks white. What a discovery. Maybe I can grow. I mean, I was already alright, but it might be useful to see this grey thing now and then...;)
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
