hold on!! - 12

[u-turn]

Asitis - thank you
I feel like this was another flaming hurdle to jump, and we survived. I think we found a marriage and family therapist that specializes in working with older children and divorce. I am hoping that we can be fit in soon - I really think it is imperative that this happens for D15 and even tough-guy S18.

I am considering discontinuing my IC for cost alone. It is expensive, I think I may have maxed out our insurance on this, and I am having to change my insurance too. I am going this week and did not text her to tell her that I was thinking of stopping.

After my breakdown this morning, I am reconsidering this stance though.

I do know that there are things to see here with W. We are actually talking a little more than we have been able to in a long time.

I was not expecting her to talk about us at all and wasn't really prepared for it. I did tell her that I did not need an apology and when she spoke about forgiveness, I said that this is not about forgiveness.

I wanted to tell her that I have already forgiven her - which is true. But is of little value to her. I didn't say it though.

When she told me that she wished she moved out 6 months ago - we might have had a chance. I said that this might be true. (I completely agree with this, and I asked her to leave but she wouldn't).

I don't really even know how to slow this down or change the course at this time. The initial court date is set, she has rented a place, there are timelines on the legal system - I feel as if there is no turning back even if I wanted to.

I have not shown that I want to back down - and before this emotional weekend, I have not felt it either. But it was a really rough weekend that I could just fix by giving in.

I need to collect my wits again, regroup, be strong in my resolve.

Compensatory guilt - I get this. I have been really careful not to overdue things with them - I want them be assured that I am genuine - I don't think that they have ever had issue with this, but this conversation and my actions against the family could be a game changer for them.

Thank you so much for your time and thoughts!!