hold on!! - 12

[u-turn]

Vanilla & Jelly - you are like the tag-team of care and love. Thank you for your help and I know that I have said this a hundred times here, I really don't want to mess things up for D15 more than I already have.

She didn't go to school today - was sick which could be many things (time of month, poor eating with friends, lack of sleep with friends over the weekend, to much dairy, crumbling family). She seemed better tonight when I came home and she ate dinner ok. She is not talking too much though - I don't want to pressure her and she knows I am here for her. I do hear her giggling on the phone with friends in her bedroom right now. That makes me feel good.

I may need to get with S21 on my own as W doesn't want to take this as any kind of priority. She has sort of written him off at times, but I feel like he is owed the same level of attention with this matter even though he doesn't live here.

I think this went well. Only minor observation let WW feel the full impact, validate don't soothe.

The next couple of weeks are important, so much checking in with your kids. You know it's ok to say "dad needs a hug at the moment".

And remember 100% of what they say, 50% of what they do.

Oh and big big hug from your friend

V

I think I need to really try for this - I found myself easily slipping into my old fix-it, comforting, it's all my fault mode. I don't think I validated very well through this, she was asking me what I was thinking like she used to, she was sitting next to me like she used to. It was really hard for me. I did tear up (which is not what I wanted to do - I feel this was a failure).

remember 100% of what they say, 50% of what they do - I really needed that, I almost forget that I am still in this - it's almost like I have given up and DBing doesn't matter. She still knows how to get to me - it could be a game, it could be completely genuine - I don't know and maybe it doesn't matter at this point.

Sadly, I didn't sleep at all last night and my emotional state got even worse, by this morning I could hardly stop crying about this. When W came into the kitchen as I was making lunches, she saw that I was upset and she asked what was wrong - I completely lost it and had to walk away - she started crying too. What a mess - I apologized to her for this later. I told her that I didn't mean for that to happen.

This morning felt like a morning from a year ago though I recognize it now and have recovered - still very sad about all of this, but have regained my composure.

So what I feel she learned about me today, I am still human, I still have emotion, I still care, I know I am destroying my family and she knows it hurts me. All of this is true and I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing that she knows this. It doesn't change the path, but does let her know that I am not dead inside (I don't know if this makes sense).

Thank you friends
Peace