Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[Avanti]

That's really tough on you beckyb, I feel for you. Moments like that are hard to deal with and they creep up on you.

Enjoy what you can and try to make that your goal for the day as much as possible.

If your thoughts are getting you down gently change your focus to something good that's happening right now or earlier in the day, why was it so enjoyable, how did it make you feel? Relive those moments, distract yourself into thinking about other things. It's simple but not easy, practise will mean you spend less time reflecting on what's not there and focussing on what you do have.

[beckyb]

Movement but not good. H called to say his attorney said I was dragging my feet. I was waiting for him to make the next move. I guess I'll have to submit my forms or appear difficult.

[Avanti]

That's really hard on your beckyb.

Go at your own pace, not anyone else's.

The comment your H made was to control you. Don't simply resist because that's churlish, but don't rush either, when you are good and ready, not before. Know that you have to do it, but at a time of your choosing is important.

If lawyers start bearing down on you (which I sincerely doubt given your timescale to get to this point) that's a bit different but until they do, take your time, do things for you first then set aside time, at a particular point in the future of your choosing, to go through the papers, in that way you'll have prepared yourself and it will be less of an arduous task and you will feel as if you are more in control than you do currently.

Your husband may well be thinking that if he can just get the D done, then he'll be able to move on. What he forgets is that it just legal paperwork, you are still in his head and always will be, no matter what he does to try to remove you.

He may, one day realise this, but you can't wait around hoping he does. Keep on with the GAL and detaching activities and if he does work it out that's great, but you'll be able to choose whether to start a new R with him or continue on without him.

It sounds tough I know but that is where you are heading if you keep on doing what you are doing and it's the right place for you to be.

He's the one who has done you wrong and it's your choice whether to forgive him IF you get the opportunity and IF you don't that's OK too as either way you will be a new, all improved, super attractive beckyb that the right man won't be able to resist.

[beckyb]

I have already given my financial information to my attorney. He needs to submit it to the court but we've been holding off. If I drag my,feet it will look like I'm trying to hang on to the marriage. He just wants out. Have a feeling he was with OW this weekend.

[Avanti]

It's up to you but you still do not need to rush anything.

It's all about perception, you are thinking that it will appear like you are hanging onto the M, another view could be that you are taking your time to ensure everything has been done correctly and that you haven't missed anything because you want to get it right, in other words you are blaming a perfectionist streak you have.

Both are the same thing it's how you choose to view it that matters.

Beckyb, a lot of what you feel is potentially due to your not detaching sufficiently and/or not having set yourself any goals that you believe in. Have you read the DR book recently? Maybe it's time to revisit it?

[beckyb]

I have definitely not detached. Still working on it.

[Avanti]

Do you have a vision of what you want to achieve? Without that it's very difficult to detach as you've nowhere to head for.

When you decide to go on a trip you don't get in your car and say right I'm going to drive somewhere. You have a place in mind where you are going and you've then got to work out the route you need to take to get there, only then do you set off. If there are traffic jams on the way, you try alternative routes but your end point is still the same.

If you are struggling to detach, think of it as sitting on your drive with the engine running, now you need to think about where you are going, then your route, once you set off you are truly commencing the detachment process.

[beckyb]

What I want is for H to give up OW and give our M a chance. But I can't make that happen. Only he can. I don't want a life without him but I am forced to start thinking about what that will look like. This has all happened so fast.

[V2pt0]

What I want is for H to give up OW and give our M a chance. But I can't make that happen. Only he can. I don't want a life without him but I am forced to start thinking about what that will look like. This has all happened so fast.

Ugh, this is so my situation. While I know our issues have been building over a long time, the speed at which everything seemed to turn over night is crazy! In Feb my H was still telling me he loved me and now 6 months later D is in process. My head is still spinning! I feel your pain. Hang in there.

[beckyb]

It's not as is I'm sitting at home doing nothing. I am preparing my house for sale, trying to figure out where to live, joining a divorce recovery group, taking trips, making plans with friends. Contact with H is very limited and initiated by him. We don't talk R at all.

Ultimately I know I'll be ok, but I still love my husband and want a life with him. I don't know how to make that stop.

I have been stalling moving forward with D. It's going too fast. Do I continue to slow it down as much as possible and risk making it look like I am trying to control the situation. Or move ahead quickly and be divorced in a month? I don't think there is any good outcome here no matter what I do.