I don't think she deserves to have me there with her. Especially since the last wedding we attended she was texting/involved with OM. Should i stay firm and not go? Or go and try to forge new connections?
I know the weekend has passed, but I'll comment on the point I would have made about going. You are correct and she doesn't deserve you going with her. She doesn't deserve anything from you. However, if you want to have a M with her, you cannot be the one to punish her for her sins. If I had been her, I would have seen this as punitive. Learn the difference in punishing and holding firm with boundaries. You can give certain conditions to the R, such as complete transparency, etc. Realize too, that if you say it, you'd better be ready to follow through with it.
If she is being honest and serious, she will need every ounce of support and encouragement from her H to just get through her withdrawals. If she sees judgement & damnation in your treatment toward her, she will flee from you.
If she's not being honest, you'll know soon enough. Promising that she's not having an A, and continuing to TM OM is not a good sign. It is not unfair for you to tell her you need her to end all contact with him. It is not appropriate for a married woman to have guy friends that exclude her H. That's just asking for trouble. If she's not willing to give up a "friend" for her H and the sake of her M......then I guarantee he's more than a just a friend.
Quote:
I know I can't tell her what i need to get over her A.
Maybe you can. Has she asked what it would take for you to get over it? Has she even seemed concern about how you may be feeling over all of her behavior? Has she apologized for anything? Have you seen any change in her? If not....then I doubt it would do any good to tell her what it would take for you to get over her A.
On the other hand, if she really wants to save her M, she will be ready to do whatever you need her to do. If you need her to end all contact with OM, complete honesty, transparency, accountability, MC, or other stipulations in order to reconcile......she needs to know.
She may not have asked b/c she thinks she can continue on as though nothing happened.
What exactly do you need to get over her A?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
