Hi sweetie. Sorry you had to hear that news. The truth is that hurting people hurt people. That doesn't give him a free pass, though.
Bright, I really think that you need to do something different. I think the place to start is the vacation home. I know that part of why you hold onto it is to have some connection to him, but that keeps you stuck.
He has told you he doesn't want a relationship, hard as that is, you need to hear him. That doesn't mean you cant keep the door open a crack. It just means that you need to live your life as if you heard it.
No one knows what the future holds. I just think that having any kind of contact with him hurts you right now. It really is best to let him go and allow him to walk his journey.
It is time for you to really and truly find you. The person you were meant to be.
All that stuff that happens at the vacation home doesn't serve you well. Find a new place. A place that is just yours. Make new memories.
You are not a loser by any means. You love deeply and truly. Nothing wrong with that, B. Makes you very special.
But it's time to love him enough to let him go and more importantly, to love yourself enough, too.
