hold on!! - 12

[asitis]

I'm sorry about having to reach the stage where you tell the kids. I'm glad you are getting them some counseling. I'd recommend a Marriage & Family Therapist w/ experience treating the children of divorce. The reason is that they are trained to look at the relational system the individual is enmeshed in, which will be the source of most of your kids' issues.

I hope you consider not discontinuing your IC. Try to find another place to cut the budget, as I think that you'll want the help on handling the kids' behaviors & struggles at least.

There are some interesting developments lately. Not only what I noticed a few days ago in an earlier post, but in what you are reporting here. First, W was admitting responsibility (a bit too much, but better than the other way around) rather than her recent anger and attack for your taking the steps you are. Second, she still feels safe enough to be vulnerable around you and to even make bids for comfort and connection. If she does this again, answer the bids (you don't have to be reassuring or loving, just empathic & understanding). I suspect this is what you did, albeit with some stiffness & distance, which is OK.

Third, she was clearly upset about telling the kids. A lot of WAS/WS go cold & matter-of-fact at such times from what I'm told. The costs are getting to her, and she is not dodging their impact.

I don't think she is done with you yet. Obviously, this doesn't mean change course, as the positive signs seem to be a result of your path. But, unless you have decided you are done, you might want to not rush things on the D ahead too fast. See where she goes from here. She is off-balance, thinking, and feeling. You are going, and she is losing you, and she's discovering that it hurts to lose you and her family (at least that's what I'm seeing coming through).

The kids are going to need some one-on-one time with you, as well as together time as a trio. They need to be able to know that you are there for them, and they can come to you. Something fun, that they really enjoy. Don't view it as compensatory guilt, but as your time to re-secure those relationships. Even though your S18 is being practical and reasonable and thoughtful, he needs the security of his bond to you, and I can guarantee you that he is hurting more than he is letting on with his public face.

I don't know how to say that I feel for you and your family in a way that conveys this authentically over the internet, but you are in my thoughts.