hold on!! - 12

[u-turn]

Thank you everyone for checking in - I so much appreciate you thinking of me.

I had the conversation with D15 on saturday and it went pretty well - considering. She did not really want to talk much about it, didn't have any questions. She knew this was coming. I comforted her as much as she would allow.

I was having a really hard time on Sunday. I was second guessing myself, hating myself, thinking that I should continue being a martyr (so to speak) to keep my family intact. I was so emotional about all of this again. Everything was kicking me, all of the changes that are taking place, all of the things that I have been trying to erase from my memory and unsee - It was all there again.

logically, I know it is not really the case, but emotionally, I am having a hard time not taking full responsibility for this entire mess. I could have continued this forever, been just as miserable, but left the kids with a whole family.

WW & I sat with the two kids and talked about everything today. She said she wanted to do this today and I agreed. It went as well as can be expected.

Prior to the talk W sat next to me, crying, and said she was sorry for doing this to me, that we were not in great shape before this, but this was all happening because of her decisions and they were all decisions. She understands how I will never forgive her because she cannot forgiver herself. She said she wished she moved out 6 months ago - maybe we would have had a chance then. All this kind of upset me that she was saying this today and I told her that I did not need her to apologize. We spent a little time trying to pull ourselves together before talking to the kids. I really think she may be trying to get me to put the brakes on the D.

We went through all of the points that I wanted to, and she told them a little more that I thought she would. I didn't disagree with just about everything she said. (she did mention how we may still have family time - I didn't want to tell the kids this as I don't really know how all this will work). She also said that she loves me and always will (I couldn't help but to tear up a little when she said that) and she said that I am a great man and great father (sheesh). It actually hurts to hear her say those things about me now.

She was kind of going on and on seemingly to try and get more of a reaction from d15 - and there was not much. S18 said - "look, this is no big surprise, things have been bad for a long time and were not getting any better - something had to give". He is right and I am proud of him for speaking his mind and not being disrespectful.

We are looking for a C for the kids and all of us to talk to - I think this is a good idea. I am going to stop seeing my IC for a while (indefinitely). I figured out a good working budget for everything and I do need to be watch what I spend on myself right now. Maybe again another time - I am allocating the money to kids C for now.

As I calculate it, I should barely be able to buy W out of the house if I can get approved for an equity loan.

Sadly, I am applying for a credit card too. I haven't had one for at least 15 years. But I need to have an emergency plan. Researching for my best option.

Like I have said before, I never really liked dealing with money (great trait of a business owner - eh?) and may be making some bad decisions, but I hope my thoroughness and my ability to over-plan things will help me.

Well - it's been a long weekend (long labor day holiday here).

Onward.