Let's All Be Like Coffee

[V2pt0]

Struggling in a big way today. Feeling so sad and depressed. I have not really felt like doing anything all week and am just empty inside. I am very conflicted about proceeding with D and contemplating calling L tomorrow to ask for delay. It is just not what I want, but feel /felt it was my only option with the [censored] A being brought repeatidly into my home. Why I still have any desire to be with my H is beyond me, but I do still love him. There is just so much unsettled in all of this. I keep going back to the fact that we never once really tried to fix our M and it makes me so upset. It does not help that our anniversary is exactly one month away.

I honestly don't think H is certain he wants D either, but the A is getting in the way. He just keeps saying the same thing. "I don't see how we can get past this, do you?" It is the question at the end that causes pause. I have not spoken with him since we last spoke on Monday. I sent him very business like email on Thursay about finances asking that we both stop making personal charges on joint checking and just leave it for mortgage. Of course he keeps making charges, but I opted to not say anything further.

H submitted his response/ paper work to my petition on Thursday. Want to call him and ask how it felt to file his portion. Did he cry, was he sick to his stomach, and did he feel immense heartache like I did when I filed?? To date I have seen virtually no emotion from him and I just don't understand.

I guess I have temporarily moved back to denial?? This (censored)!! Just not sure what I am doing and feel lost and alone.