Zeus just wanted you to know my GAL is going very well tomorrow! Parade with 2 of the kids and some friends in the morning lunch in the afternoon with the kids and then off to the races with a friend and the two girls. I will be busy busy. i am actually pretty excited to get out all day for once!
The fact that you're still going so enthusiastically is just inspiring. I believe you'll do amazing things in your life, and when you do you'll look back at how you handled this and it will be the start of something incredible. I was going to caution you a bit ago for taking on too much at once, but you seem to be soaking these things up like a sponge. Glad you're making time for you somewhere in the middle of this. Have fun tomorrow!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
OK V I have read and re-read several times your post to me. This is why it has taken me a while to respond to you. I want to make sure I am understanding and can learn from your wisdom.
I for one feel I allow myself to have blinders on and not see the entire picture of what is going on in the household!
Ok so Emotions. I have them can not control them but I could work on putting pauses in and learning what the feelings really are (anxiety, happy, anger, sadness, lonely, hurt ect). I can learn to know what those feeling are and differentiate between them. I can learn what triggers the bad emotions and learn how to react whether it be a time out or a smile. Is the correct?
I suggest you observe your emotions rather than control them. They are there to help you, if you remember Riley, they all play a role in her life. Recognising them is important. Not to control them but to know how certain things make you feel. Children of alcoholics and abuse disconnect from their feelings. It's called dissociating, so it's best just to be present in your body and know the feelings. That's an enormous step forward and great recovery. To accept the feelings, observe them and move on. The body can only hold one feeling at a time, so let's take sadness, if you observe you are sad then note it, have a cry. What made you sad? Even writing it down change your emotional state to something more neutral. For instance the memory of my childhood favourite toy made me sad, because.......... To heal this I will buy a replacement, draw a picture, convert this to something happy, like I remember unwrapping it, taking it swimming, etc...
Let your feelings flow, decide if they have value, if not change how you remember.
I hope this makes sense
I can learn to put the brakes on and not spew. I can just walk away or say I know it is important to you we discuss this but my emotions are high right now could we visit about this later? And then re approach the subject when I can do it in a calmer sense? I will have to do more looking into emotions and how to add that stopping point. Maybe that is something I could work on with my IC.
You got it.
I feel like my emotions just run so quickly sometimes I do not have time to even notice that I am going from aggrivated to angered in seconds.
It is called flooding, I promised a link I will follow that up for you. I can choose to journal the emotions and the physiological feelings associated with them to learn my signs of each emotion?
I do not eat very healthy I tend to eat one meal a day and drink pop 1-2 20 oz bottles very little exercise except work (I am a CNA so lots of lifting and walking) If I do eat at work its a small bag of chips or junk food. Eat on the go pretty much. At home we eat a lot of meat and potatoes canned and boxed meals due to busy schedules. I will have to look into nutrition. I am wanting to lose 60 pounds anyways so maybe this can be motivation.
You won't feel good on this kind of food. It's not for me to criticise because over the last two years I have done the same. I am cleaning up my act and it isn't easy. Take a word of wisdom for a lady who has treated herself very badly recently, it really will make you ill. This is something to have as a primary goal, taking care of you first so that your kid is healthy too. This isn't easy I know that, I struggle with the changes too. It's vital for your wellbeing and self worth.
Alanon is much more prevelant maybe I will give that a try first and if I do not like it I can travel to the other one.
Each group is different, so if one doesn't fit another may do so.
I have also considered anger management?
My sense is that you have justified aggression which would be better communicated with assertiveness. 12 steps may help you release and you can get great feedback. Know this, some of your feeling of anger is saying, my boundaries are breached, it's valid to be angry. The feeling of anger is good, observe, walk away, journal and decide how you want to express.
What is the get gg website do you have the actual web adress? I googled it and got self help websites.
We can't have external links but I will see what I can do.
I do see how if you order yourself it is like setting up for failure. I order myself all of the time to exercise eat right ect and then never stick to it. I am beginning to think it has to be a choice and it has to be when you are ready.
In essence that's correct, however you may never be ready, it's easy to procrastinate. Just choose to do then adjust. In that it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. That's why we have goals!
I battle constantly with decisions I make. Just like staying in the house. I am constantly going back and forth did I make the right decision. I accept I made a decision to stay. It may have been good it may have been bad. At this moment it is what is financially feasable and is helpful to us both financially. This allows the kids to do their activities and us to pay bills. Is it the best decision emotionally I am not sure but I can feel confident I made the best decision I could at the moment. It would probably be helpful in healing to not be here and be able to go dark but it would just be another added stress I do not need right now. Yes it is stressful here sometimes also but not near as stressful as splitting up the kids worrying about finances and everything else.
Lets reframe it. "My choice is to stay, I have numerous reasons for that. At the moment that's my choice, if I make a different choice it's ok."
That way it's not a decision. It's a temporary position for expendiency which you choose to live with. You need not justify it to yourself, just accept this is the choice I have made for now and tomorrow I can make a different choice. I think that may help your stuck thinking.
I am going to choose to set one of my goals to walk 5 mins 3 times this week. I know it is a small amount but It should help me succeed as I will be very busy having the kids myself and racing all week. I will add a minute next week.
I love this goal.
You are right he can not control me I allow how he treats me to affect me. I forget that neither of us are the same person as a few years ago. I also forget not to take what he says/does to seriously as we should not believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do. I can make a choice to allow myself to feel the emotions and react to them in a way I find acceptable.
Absolutely, you got it, 100%.
I will also make it a goal to journal one time a day on just the emotions I have felt and how my body reacted to the emotions. I will name the emotions i feel.
This is fantastic. Your IC and V are turning cartwheels for joy.
Areas I can heal: 1. Abuse 2. controlling/negative behavior 3. heal from infidelity
things I can work on 1. Trustingdeciding if the actions others do are trustworthypeople friends included 2. managing my reactions to my feelings by noticing how my behaviour has an effect on others 3. setting reasonable boundaries that I can enforce 4. self worth by loving myself including all my strengths and weaknesses
I am attending IC weekly. I have been for a little over a year. I have been just bouncing around a lot. A lot of the focus is on the relationship. I can choose to change that direction and work on things like healing instead.
If you IC isn't giving you value, then you can choose a new IC, especially one versed in CBT. Why not share your new insights with IC, and discuss healing FOO. There is much here to work on you. Fantastic internal work, there is great healing to come.
So GOALS: 1. I will continue booking weekly counseling sessions and focusing specifically on myself and healing the infidelity and abuse issue. How will I know if I am meeting this goal 1. I will follow through with my next appointment scheduled for Thursday. 2. The focus I choose for the day is NOT the R but instead helping myself begin to heal and understand the effects of the abuse. 3. I will decide to schedule the next appointment
2. I will contact one Alanon group this week and get information on the group and times available and decide if the meeting times will work for me. I have decided to give a 12 step program a try.
How will I know I am meeting this goal. 1. I decide to call a group and receive information on the group times/days. 2. I will decide if the group times will work for me. 3. I will schedule the time into my week to attend the meeting and decide if the meeting will work for me.
3. I have decided to face problems and not push them down by using a daily journal, noticing the feeling, and introducing a pause. I will choose to journal my feelings at least one time a day. I will chose to go do something physical at least one time when I am feeling angry.
How will I know if I am meeting this goal? 1. I will have journal entries for 7 days. 2. I can decide to name those emotions 3. I can choose to feel the emotions and describe them in my journal 4. I will choose to use exercise, walking, or time out as a pause. 5. If I am meeting this goal I should have one or less spewing moments during the 7 days.
4. My new acceptance is through detatchment I will wait 15 minutes before responding to a trigger.
How will I know I am meeting this goal? 1. I will be using one of my pause methods 2. I will begin to learn where my line crossing is 3. I will not react in a haste: I will be able to begin knowing when I need to take a pause
Hopefully I am starting to understand. I will keep working.
This is amazing progress, I can see great personal work in this. In such a short time. I absolutely know great healing will follow.
This week will be so good for me as H is camping with OW so I am on my own with the kids. Hopefully It will give me a boost of confidence that I can do for myself. It will also be nice because I will get a lot of alone time with the kids at the races it is one of our favorite family times. My poor sleep schedule will go down the tubes though! thanks so much V!
________________________ You are very welcome. I will sort the resources in a separate post.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
.getselfhelp.co.uk/problems.htm you will need to add http:// in front plus the www
.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/DealingNegativeEmotions.pdf for the identifying emotions worksheet (sadness, fear and anger plus the pattern interrupts)
The CBT resource on anger, there are MP3 on other items too. It's great, it has free worksheets and resources as its a charity. I use it a lot so I donated. Guernsey is such a tiny island so it's amazing development and website. Not easy to manage moving around the website but a fantastic toolkit source.
Please let me add a caution, I wrote much of this myself and I am not a therapist, it was written as a starter to kick start thought and personal research. Also I write from the standpoint of an abused W.
Hope this helps.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/07/1509:54 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
There was one thing, very important thing I forgot to say!
as if ?
When flooding starts, it's an enormous opportunity to heal, so breathe deeply, to sigh point. Breathe deeply for at leat 5 minutes. STFU and walk away. Ask yourself what reaction do I need am I willing to let go of this pain?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V I just had some emotional flooding! I can journal on paper as I'm at the race track so here it goes! Ex came over to see kids asked if I had a good day just shook my head asked if I was having fun again shook my head yes! Then went to smoke and he came with showed him a shirt I got for his oldest. He asked if I got vacation all week I told him last week I didn't and I needed him to come home. I do not feel like I should have to drag kids out to babysitter at 5 am so he could camp with ow. (I did not tell him that part) so when he asked me today I snapped back no nevermind I'll just take Them to the sitter. He replied very kindly I was just asking if I needed to come home I can be there in the morning. By now I'm annoyed he even asked as I've told him several times. Then I asked if he was working this week and he said no. I then got even more upset (as he failed to mention to me he was not working all week meaning he goes unpaid he has no vacation) so I asked how are we going to pay bills had u told me I could have gone and worked overtime and not come out to the races to make sure things could be paid! He responds we will figure it out. I said u mean I will figure it out. He responds no I can start paying my own bills I'm so sick of it being all about you! I'm going back to the other side to you want a hug or no? I said sure! I then text him and said I didn't mean for it to sound all about me I just simply wish you would have said u weren't working so I could get it figured out. I am sorry you felt it is all about me I'm glad u r out here doing what you love!....I am glad he can come out and race I'm glad OW is paying for it and not me but seriously some responsibility would be GREAT! Are they ever responsible??? Anyways how did I feel! I felt me lose eye contact jaw tighten tests in my eyes increased heart rate and I wanted to spew but I didn't no reason to fight he feels he is justified to do what he wants and apparently justified in not telling me that he is not working! Nothing I say will make him see it's irresponsible! So what could I have done differently STFU and say ok no big deal! (I should have known anyways and why ruin a moment he made time to come see us)
Observe it in yourself. The flooding won't be under your control, but what you do about it can be managed.
Your body gets used to the hormone rush, so to be effective it escalates and enhances each time. So in essence it gets worse over time.
There are a number of things you can do to calm your system, take a break, observe when you sense it's going to start get away to a quiet place. Warm baths help quieten the hormonal system and moderate exercise eases the adrenaline bursts. Your vitamin B levels will be depleted as these bursts use these vita amoung others, so supplements may help. Time to look after nutrition and get advice, your IC may help point you to some decent resources.
Remember although the flood is natural, there is a reason it happened. It's your way of knowing something is amiss.
By all means apologise for the overreaction but if your boundaries are reasonably infringed, then at a later time you can address that. Just because you flooded doesn't mean there is no cause.
These are some of the things I did:
Before -went elsewhere (avoided) -put something in my mouth - got active in something very distracting -gym
During -breathe very deeply -ground your feet -project peace if you can -walked away - wrote it down -rang a friend -went to the loo, splashed cold water on my face and hands -meditated -played music loudly
After -warm bath -sleep or nap -ate some vegetables -watched Ted Talks -played some relaxation music -posted -gentle exercise -tackled the trigger issue more calmly (often by text) -GAL
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/09/1505:46 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks V that was exactly what I felt like it was an flood of emotions anger frustration sadness hurt used ect.
Well Today I am taking what will probably seem like a very tiny step to all of you but to me it is a HUGE STEP! The kids are going to gmas tonight and I had bounced back and forth between what I was going to do tonight. I could go sit in the grandstands with his friends I do not really want to sit with, I could go to the pits where him and OW are, or I could stay home pay bills do laundry and clean. Why is this important because I asked myself what I WANT TO DO. Not what is convienent for everyone else. All season long I have sat in the stands just to avoid him and OW as I feel I have to walk on eggshells and I should acomidate him. Well today I have decided I deserve to do what I want and that is to go to the other side (pits) I have decided I deserve to make a choice I want for me. I can go over there and enjoy myself If I run into them be pleasant but with the amount of people there this should not be much of a problem. Why should I always have to avoid the situation. I do not have many friend and I would normally blame that on him. He never takes me out, I always stay home and watch the kids, ect. But none of that is true. They are all choices I made to accomidate him, make him happy, "control", not stir the pot, and simply because I did not want to. It was my choice to isolate myself not his. Sure it was much easier to blame him but its not his fault I made these choices they were my choices and my choices alone. made out of fear, anxiety, control, pleasing him. All these choices only made me anger, bitter, and resentful. So I am going to pull my bootstraps up and I am going to go enjoy myself! Good choice or bad choice I guess we will see. I could go and be misserable but I could go and have a great time. I could run into them or I may not. But either way it was my choice and it gave me a feeling of freedom!
I tend to eat one meal a day and drink pop 1-2 20 oz bottles very little exercise except work (I am a CNA so lots of lifting and walking) If I do eat at work its a small bag of chips or junk food. Eat on the go pretty much. At home we eat a lot of meat and potatoes canned and boxed meals due to busy schedules. I will have to look into nutrition. I am wanting to lose 60 pounds anyways so maybe this can be motivation.