Rottzilla, Betsey, Anita, thanks for the advice, I think it probably is best for me to be witholding on the physical touch for awhile. I had in the past been guilty of withholding and setting boundaries on PT, but think I've successfully 180'd and been clear in the past few months that I'm very available for it. So for now, I think not offering is another 180 back the other way, and I'm going to go very light on initiating, hoping she tries harder to intiate. Does that make any sense?
W stayed home last night. Saw her briefly at the house around 8:30 as we crossed paths to and from the gym. She started saying stuff about how OM has issues, about how she didn't want to make the same mistake twice (but that this had nothing to do with me). She was in a rush to get to the gym, and I told her we could talk when she got back. She seemed eager to talk when she got back, but I was still making dinner and so she went upstairs to put some dry clothes on. We sat down to eat and she didn't turn on the TV like she usually might. I asked her if she wanted to tell me about what she had mentioned earlier...
W's Concerns About OM (several of which inter-relate): 1. OM generally appears to have gotten over most recent XGF, but does not appear to have dealt with how the relationship impacted him. There was the episode where he met XGF at a bar recently, there is his defensiveness trying to justify why he stayed in the relationship for so long, and there is the recent episode where he brought out a whole shoebox of pictures of XGF to shoe W (which really kind of wierded her out). 2. OM is overly concerned about their time together. He feels like he doesn't get to spend enough time with her (mostly because of his retail management style work schedule, but he also seems to hint at W needing to make more time for him). 3. OM is getting emotionally attached to W (and her and I both actually acknowledged that he probably has already been for some time now), but W just wants to take things slowly, still just wants to get to know him. She feels like he is starting to get anxious and nervous about their relationship. 4. OM is getting occasionally defensive, acting like he feels W is criticizing him. A few eaxamples: her leaving him behind in the 10k, her trying to encourage him to eat healthier and go to the gym more often. 5. OM asks about me a lot, wants to always know how he is and is not like me. W says she really doesn't want to tell him a lot about me, but he keeps asking. OM still appears very intimidated by my presence in her life, my history with W, the time I still get to spend with her, the connection we still have, my "attractiveness." He appears to worry a lot that she and I may get back together, that he might just be her fall guy. She said she tries to assure him that if that becomes the case she would tell him right away. 6. OM has lately gotten short and ready to change the subject when W mentions something she did with me, like when she eats dinner with me, or when she goes to the gym with me. 7. Lastly, in relation to W not wanting to make the "same mistake twice," she doesn't want to get into the position again of being overly relational, she seems to finally realize that she needs to be able to take of herself to be part of a healthy relationship. I was very impressed and encouraged that she was able to say this, that she was able to also admit that she knows she had focused too much of her energy on trying to make me happy and had not taken care of her own happiness.
W also feels like she is sometimes yo-yo-ing between OM and I, trying to make sure that she doesn't hurt either of our feelings. I did my best to reassure her that I was fine and that she didn't need to worry about me. I think she believes me. She also asked again--this has come up several times--if I had any idea why I had behaved the way I did when I became self-absorbed in graduate school. I told her there probably a number of reasons, that I couldn't really pin it on any one thing, but that most importantly I'd realized how to fix it. I explained to her that the most important thing to me was that I had healed and changed my behavior and was moving on. I told her that even though I couldn't remember all the specific instances where I behaved badly with her, I was well aware that I had hurt her repeatedly. I told her that even though I hadn't behaved with love towards her, I'd always loved her. She started to look on the edge of tearing up at this point, so I reiterated that all I wanted was for her to be happy, that i really did care about her, and that the best thing for us to do is to move forward.
Overall we had really excellent communication, there was no tension or discomfort at any time. I felt like she was being very open and forthcoming, and that she really appreciated me being a good listener. I truly feel that my being able to listen to her talk about OM, and just be a good listener, draws us closer together, is a very good thing for us. And he definitely appears to have trouble hearing about me. She also said that she liked that she felt no pressure from me about our relationship, she said that one of the major reasons she was able to handle me living with her through this was that I wasn't pressuring her about us.
Even though she contradicted herself a few times, and there was a little alien behavior, I definitely think there were babysteps in last nights convo. It certainly appears she values my emotional availability for her. Maybe my getting a life and dropping the rope is having benefit too? Anyone agree? Disagree?
BTW, this morning she was spread out on top of her covers asleep on her back in a pair of briefs and a loose sweater halfway up her torso. It took a LOT of Herculean self control on my part to not walk into her room, to instead just wish her a good day and leave, but I did it. Whew.
