as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

[asitis]

Another surprise down day. Maybe it's working on a holiday. Maybe it is not being able to spend my holiday with my family. Maybe it is some small trigger from yesterday's kid swap with W. But, sometimes I feel like my WAW is one of those MWD says just never give the M another chance, no matter what.

My W can be stubborn. She had a year to consider her options, was in IC during that time. She thought a lot about her decision, and took her time to be sure (she says, & I believe her). In the almost 5 months since asking for a D and probably a month longer since she made her decision, she has not wavered in the slightest.

She says there she has gone very slowly and cautiously because she wanted to be sure. She is sure, she claims. She doesn't see any possibility for her changing her mind or reconciliation any time in the foreseeable future. Maybe years and years from now. Trying to avoid R talk, I didn't pursue what her reasoning is, but I suspect a lot has to do with her feeling like it is not healthy to be in any relationship for the foreseeable future, and especially one with someone she feels hurt her who she can't trust not to hurt her further.

OK, I know that she can't predict the future any more than I can, but she is stubborn, and I know she is scared of being hurt and lovable. I get that. I also see her as the type who will stamp out any slight glimmer of feeling because it is so threatening.

I really wish there were some clues to figure out if she were the WAW type who truly never looks back. I don't want to beat a dead horse. No matter how skilled at DBing you are, some Ws just aren't going to give the M a chance. That is what I see in my W's consistent message and actions. Yes, I'm doing good DB'ing, and yes I know it is for me as much as anything, but as long as I'm holding out the slightest hope, it keeps me focused on her & us when the best thing is likely to just give up totally. Not worry about what I say or do. Stop trying to be a good DB'ing spouse by not responding when she is unfair. Stop taking one for the team when there is no team, and likely no possibility of a team.

I know: cheeseless tunnel, no way to know, just keep detaching and GAL'ing, etc. Just explaining where my thoughts were going when I examined why I was feeling down and hopeless. I just needed to ventilate those thoughts so that I could see them for what they were and gain some perspective. Don't worry, I'm not going to change course. Just some catharsis.

And maybe it will help some of you who read my thread or other threads I post on to see that I am not some kind of super DB'er. Just a fallible human, after all. Just like the rest of us. Thankfully. I couldn't relate to & help others if I weren't. Got to take the bitter with the sweet.

Back to work (ugh, I'm not in the mood).