When is kindness enough?

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(cont.)
Sunday evening, After putting the kids to sleep, I decided to talk to W about two issues.
I told W I thought she was not being honest by not telling the kids I am not going with them. When they decided for the move they thought I would also go.
W said yes, but we agreed only to tell the kids about the divorce only next weekend, after we throw a birthday party with S7's school colleagues in order not to spoil his joy (his birthday was on the 24 August but we wants a party with his mates). I conceded the point and we decided to announce our decision this Monday.

The second issue was more touchy.
A long time ago I had decided to tell my W about my espionage on her (story here). I could no longer live with myself and I had agree with my IC that it should be sooner than later.
The problem was her announcement about having been hacked very recently (see previous post).
Since I had bought her a very good laptop (ordered in July, before being aware she wanted the divorce) that I was this moment offering to her and had my mind made up, I confessed to her.
She obviously did not take it well. If I ever had any chance to get my marriage back I destroyed it there and then.
I told her I had not managed to collect any information and that no more than two weeks later I had uninstalled the program on my own accord because I could no longer live with my conscience, but she said she would never trust any person in her life. What mattered to her was my intention. I cannot say she is wrong.
My announcement validated all of her feelings, all of the decisions she made since she decided to divorce me in June 2014.
I tried to tell her it had lasted only for two weeks in October and never again I had done this or anything similar. But who can trust again someone who has betrayed you, especially if this someone is or was your spouse?

We went to bed at eleven. We still sleep together, for the time being.
I guess two to three hours later I woke up and felt so ashamed I could not stand being near this person I had hurt so much.
I went to the living room and walked for three hours.
W woke up at six and came to the living room.
I told her I felt ashamed of myself.
How can I ever face my kids when they think they have an honest father?
How will I be able to face my deceased father, a virtuous man if ever there was one, when I meet him?
How can I expect for my STBXW to trust me in the smallest issue in the future when I betrayed her so profoundly?
I was mad at my IC. She told me my action was understandable, I was desperate at the time. How could she justify the unjustifiable?
W told me she just doesn't care any more, that each one of us just needs to live his and her own life.

We finished before the kids woke up by agreeing to tell them tonight.

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I just finished writing down what I will be telling the kids.
It is based on Michele's post here: Kids, your Dad wants a Divorce

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W has freaked out when I told her I want to tell the kids we need two to want a marriage and we don't have that.
She said: are you calling me a quitter? After I tried for so many years?

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And it's done, one day and twelve years after we got married on the 6 September 2003.
Yesterday night, after the dinner we told the kids.
I have never seen such suffering, pain, sadness and disorientation inflicted to my kids.
Friday I wrote I wish my STBXW all the happiness in the world, but I swear I will never forgive her for the pain she caused my kids yesterday.
Both cried for more than one hour, until we were able to calm them down.
Both grabbed me and said they wanted to stay with me, not with their mother.
I started crying but the mother was cold as ice.

This morning things were a bit calmer, S9 said "I will try to live like this". S7 said "I am not sad anymore." Apparently they have started accepting the divorce.
I will keep them under tight surveillance, especially because STBXW replied to S7 "You're not supposed to be sad, it's just a different way of living".
Of course they are entitled to their sadness. They should feel sad, their world was shattered to tiny shards. As S7 cried yesterday "I will never live this beautiful life ever again", referring to his family life.

[roist]

Sorry you had to go through that. You were right to emphasis it wasn't what you want. It is much more than just another way of living... but you know that.

Best wishes during this tough tough time.

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Yesterday evening, when I arrived home, S9 told me: "I am not sad anymore, I am happy, I will have two homes."

Sometime after, W and I took both kids to a football training but W left earlier.
When going back home with the kids, they asked a lot of questions: Don't you like mom? Don't you want to be together? Will you have another wife? Is it possible that you will date mom again and get back together?
I don't know what to answer regarding the first two questions.
Of course I would still like to be married to my W. But if I tell the kids this they will see their mother as the one to be blamed for the divorce. And I don't want this.
What can I do?

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Sorry you had to go through that. You were right to emphasis it wasn't what you want. It is much more than just another way of living... but you know that.

STBXW sais we need to simplify things for the kids and not the opposite, and that is the reason why she sais living separately is just a different way of living.
I don't want to mess the kids head, but it costs me to see STBXW saying everything will be a joy.
I think I have already detected a pattern here: when the kids are with the mother they say they are happy and so on. When they are just with me they open up and ask tough questions and express their sadness.
Might it be that they are just faking it in front of the mother?

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Yesterday night I arrived home from work.
STBXW was preparing cookies for S7 birthday party with school mates today.
She asked for help and I help baking some cookies and preparing dinner.
Everybody was in good mood and we looked like a real intact family.
But something important happened.
During dinner I played some classical music and said out loud "I love this music."
I need to explain that I am the only person I know of that likes classical music. When STBXW and I started dating all those years ago I made her listen to it a lot and she started enjoying it.
As of late she would say that sentence that every classical music lover hates: "this music is so boring". I stopped expressing my love for music although I did not stop listening to it.
So yesterday when I said it out loud I was just being me, but expressing an emotion I had suppressed for a long time.
After dinner S7 wanted to play some modern music and STBXW said: "Stop. This music (Handel harp concerto) is lovely." This was the second big thing of the night.

[Fogg]

They will justify what they want to do no matter what, most of the time it wont make sense. They are thinking about themselves and that's about it.

Good that your enjoying your music again. Just don't look too much into what she says.

6 months now, its about time you make a new thread.

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Well, well, wife has just asked me who will sign the contract for her new flat, the one she is moving to 1st October.
We are living abroad and her and the kids' legal status has never been clarified nor, to that matter, questioned.
She has been here as my wife and nobody has raised any problem at the borders for more than four years.
But she must be completely delusional if she thinks for a moment i would sign the contract for the flat she is renting because she wants lo live away from me.
I told her I did not see any problem if she would sign it.
If she insists she will have to hear a no!
I really hope she does not ask for help with the move.
That would be something!