New Terrain? Or more of the same? (New thread)

[DifRent]

Thanks for the input, friends. Here's what wound up happening...

On Wednesday, she sent me an email informing me that as of the end of the month, my son and I had a new auto insurance policy, that our agent found a good deal, and the payment would be due soon. I was incredulous that she took it upon herself to get us off the policy we shared without even consulting me, and to have the nerve to actually arrange for a policy for me. I wrote back, "Did you really think it was appropriate for you to choose my agent, plan, and policy without even consulting me?" And she responded with a tirade about how she's just trying to help, and was I really going to give her a hard time about this, and if I wanted to do something different, fine by her...

I wrote back calmly that I was sure she thought she was being helpful, but that what she did was not appropriate. I also said that considering how things were going, yes, we probably did need to get together. I told her I'd meet her at the bank to close the accounts on Friday afternoon, and afterward, we could get a drink and discuss matters.

On Thursday, she sent me an email that I found much more irritating - it was titled "thoughts before meeting," a kind of tying up of our affairs, move out dates and reasonable things. But it was also arrogant and assumptive: she wanted to change the terms of our previously agreed-upon buyout of my share in our real estate investment company. In fact, I could feel the influence of the OW in the email, and I was enraged for a bit. But I calmed down, wrote back that I'd bring a hard copy response to our meeting, and then went through the email point by point with my arguments against what she was trying to pull. I knew that by going over this in person and hard copy, the OW couldn't be over her shoulder continuing to renegotiate the terms.

I also decided to write her a letter, one that she might not be able to fully absorb yet, but one that addressed the issue of her self stated claim of having a "guilty conscience," and one that answered in clear terms her constant question, "Why can't we be friends?" The gist of the letter was that people only have guilty consciences when they have done/are doing something wrong and refuse to make things right. And I said I am the best and truest friend she'll ever have, one she can always rely on and turn to. Not one who will go out for superficial coffee dates and always tell her what she wants to hear, or make her feel awesome or affirm her poor choices, because a real friend doesn't do that. But I also said that as long as she is in a relationship with someone with whom she betrayed me, she cannot be a genuine friend to me. So basically, if she wants a relationship with me, I'm not the one preventing it. She is. I put the ball in her court.

We sat down at the table at the pub and I asked her, "Have you been dreading this meeting?" And she said, "Yes, very much so." I said I hadn't, that I was glad to get things moving here and over with. Long story short, she started to get angry again and wanted to rehash how bad our relationship was ad naseum, but I stopped her and kept things on track. She backtracked on every revised term in her email, and I was satisfied with what we agreed to right there. I wrote her an email from my phone as we sat there to confirm the details. Afterwards, I was able to show how flexible and reasonable I was going to be in having her fulfill those terms, because I surely am not out to "get" her.

Then, I'm not sure how, but the conversation turned to faith, and I said something that didn't sit well with her. "This is getting weird," she said. "Why are you telling me this now?"

And I said, "Because we're not going to be having any more of these beer or coffee dates. I really don't want to see you anymore."

She was taken aback. "Not at all?"

"Not at all."

"But I have to come to the house, still have things to move,.."

I said, "I know, so please email me a schedule of exactly when you plan to be there, so I can make plans myself to be away."

She agreed, but it was clear my request threw her for a loop. What I really mean here Fogg is that I don't want to see her anytime soon. I want to get through this move without her, and settled into my new place, and see her settled into hers. There is no hope for us at all until this chapter is closed, and I don't see any benefit to us just sort of popping in and out of each other's space right now. I figure that by the time all this activity and busy-ness has calmed down for her, things might begin to show themselves for what they really are with the OW. I just believe things won't last with them, and as far as my sitch is concerned, I'd rather be back in contact when the bad feelings she associates with me start to give way to new bad feelings that are attached to the OW, and when it's more clear that I've made improvements in my own life. Maybe towards the end of the year, hard to say. Hard to predict anything, as we all know.

And then... during the last five minutes of our visit, WW seemed to melt back into her old self again... it was hard, seeing the woman I love emerge from this monster I hate. She shared some enthusiasm and anxiety about her work and an upcoming visit from her nieces ("I don't know where they are going to stay... my apartment isn't finished yet, and the OW said they could stay at her house, but then I'd have some explaining to do...") Umm... yeah... since her family has no idea what's going on between us. I asked if she was finding it challenging to swim in a sea of constant lies and deceit, and she actually bowed her head with a slight nod.

She got up to leave, and I gave her the letter. Honestly, I don't know if writing that letter was the right thing to do, but I felt better having done it, and knowing that I left her with some very clear and hard truths in writing. I told her she might not be ready to accept all that it says right now, but to put it away somewhere, because a time might come down the road when she'll want to read it again, with clearer eyes. She said, "You know, you're right. I will do that." She hugged me, tight, and gave me a kiss. I had to choke back tears, because there she was, my real W, for just a few minutes.

And that's the last contact we've had.

I was glad I had another friend come to meet me Friday night and spend a few hours just enjoying dinner and a nice evening out. Otherwise, it would have been a very hard night. I left town for the weekend, and this has been good for my soul. Yesterday, I had a first round interview with the founder of an internet startup who is looking for someone to take charge of and develop a project that truly interests me, and this brightened my spirits a bit for the future. I have really needed that kind of hope. I'm moving close to some friends I haven't spent a lot of time with the past few years, and I know they'll help me GAL all the way through football season, I'll join their gym with them - and I put my WW in God's hands.

Hardest time of my life. But in the end, I know it will all work to my good.