Rottzilla, thanks, I read your thread. There was lots of helpful stuff in there. I feel I'm beginning to figure out how to detach more, how to get more of a life.
Rj2, thanks...
Quote: And let's face it, how can anyone be living with someone and not feel "attachment"... So, even though they act like they are "detached" when living with us, it's more of a front, than reality. Words do not show the truth a lot of the time.
Yes, you have to be right about this.
update...
I was already asleep last night when W came home. I stuck by my new behavior this morning... just got up and got ready to go to work, only telling her it was morning, asking if she slept okay, and saying goodbye on my way out.
When I went home for lunch she looked like she'd only been out of bed a little more than half an hour. She'd done a little laundry and was getting ready to get in the shower. When I came upstairs I went straight to the cat instead of her. After a few minutes she initiated some short chat. I told her that a coworker had told me this morning that several of the girls at the party were talking about how hot I was after I left. She talked about how she needed to clean her closet soon, she has too many clothes she doesn't wear anymore. She asked me if I could pick up and drop off dry cleaning. I said yes, gathered her clothes, said goodbye pleasantly, and left.
(BTW, we still haven't gotten around to revising her resume, because she still hasn't found the time to update her info so she can email it to me...)
Good stuff. How are you going to figure out how to detach while still making her aware that you are there for her emotionally? I have an idea, but I want to be sure I am not seen as cold by H.
What was W's reaction to you not being all over her? Did she notice? Look concerned? Look upset, confused? Did you even pay enough attention to notice?
Michele says to note S's reaction for several days after you have begun something new to see what the effect is, and then tweak it. It will be tough to do this, as I often go by the first reaction my H has. Good luck, I hope this will work. We shall soon find out.
Just wanted to say I think the detaching and mystery things are great, but do them with caution. I would like to reemphasize Rotzillas statement about monitoring, take it slow and definitely monitor.
I like your emotional availability and physical detachement (roof work, washing car) and talking about how women find you attractive is good. Too much borders on being seen as not caring, manipulative, spiteful, or arrogant. Monitor for results first before making more statements or taking more steps. Just thoughts.
Rottzilla, Seattle, thanks. So far W's behavior is leaning a little towards the cold and detached side, not a lot, but enough to be noticeable. I almost sense a little bit of confusion too, but I can't get a good read on it. I figure I need to monitor a little longer and see where it leads.
Quote: How are you going to figure out how to detach while still making her aware that you are there for her emotionally?
See what I wrote on your thread about Gottman's communication bids. I'm leaning in the direction of letting her make the bids for interaction, and trying to make sure that when she does intiate interaction I'm completely emotionally available to her. I've also been going out and doing more things on my own. I've been avoiding inviting her along anymore.
I'd appreciate any advice on improving these techniques, or other possible techniques. There have only been a few opportunities for us to interact in the last few days so I figure this has to play out a little longer. I'm hoping she chooses to stay home a few nights this week.
I know this sounds really wierd, but I'm actually glad she asked me to handle the dry cleaning today because she was talking like she was going to take care of it herself the other day, and I reallly like being able to do things for her. While I'm getting better at appearing detached, I know I've got a ways to go to detach on the inside.
Renew, just like Michele says "accept some invitations, but not ALL," don't you think perhaps that also means "invite sometimes but not all?"
I'd go out a while without her, then invite her. Maybe every fourth or fifth time. Keep that closeness going that you are so famous for. Once she sees you are detaching, perhaps she will stop being so "cold."
While W is happy to chat with me when I initiate convos, she has pretty much flatout turned down every invitation to go somewhere or do an activity together. I'll continue to intitiate talk with her, but I've just about given up on asking her to do something with me.
On another note, W has twice in the last few days complained about this mucscle or that muscle being sore, rubbing said spot herself, and pointing out the exact spot to me. Each time I said if you ever want a massage, all you need to do is ask. She just pauses for a second of reflection, or says oh, and then we talk about something else.
OK, that sounds like my H sometimes. I can see what she is doing. But still - HUH?!?
My H does that sometimes. If he wants a hug or cuddle time (things he does not view as intimate, but rather just friendly things) he will iniatiate it. If I do it first, he gets weird.
But, if he wants a massage or ML or anything, he hints like crazy. He still, to this day, (6 months) hasn't iniatiated ML even once. But, he has no problem making it clear to me by his actions that he is "in the mood."
Just yesterday, he kept complaining that his foot hurt. I ignored him, he continued. I finally asked if he wanted me to rub it, and he said "no thanks." Yet, if I had just done it, I am sure he would have been in heaven.
I *think* that it has something to do with *if I iniatiate the intimate contact, it wasn't his idea and therefore he relinquishes control of it. It's not *him* being intimate with me, it's me with him, and not of his own doing. But, if I *ask* if he wants intimate touch, now the ball is back in his court, and he *has* to say no in order to save face* After all, he doesn't *want* to be intimate with me, right?
Quote: Just yesterday, he kept complaining that his foot hurt. I ignored him, he continued. I finally asked if he wanted me to rub it, and he said "no thanks." Yet, if I had just done it, I am sure he would have been in heaven.
Thanks. You're dead on. Clear as day.
So I guess it was good I didn't jump on the opportunity this time? Lord knows I wanted to! I'm almost inclined to ask her later if she's still sore. So how do I handle any future events like this?
I tend to try something new each time, but it never works. My next attempt will be "Oh, your foot hurts. I bet it would feel better if someone rubbed it. It probably needs to be rubbed." (keeping focus on bodypart and not him)
Got me if it will work.
If I happen on something that does work, you will be the first to know.
"Sorry that it hurts, W/H." And then go about your business?
It sounds as though both of you have been lured into the trap of "I'm hurting/poor me" just so they can reject you. Don't give them the opportunity to lead you there.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but not offering is a 180 for each of you?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
We shall soon find out. 
