running around like a chicken without a head

[Sotto]

Hi Overcom. I would recommend doing your own thing when he comes over to do the truck. Don't seek him out, but if he seeks you out, be pleasant and briefish, and break off the convo first.

I would watch out for this whole dynamic with OW. It sounds similar to my sitch. OW has an ex-partner in the background and has been back and forth between him and H. I want no part of that set up. Please pull yourself right out of that.

I also wouldnt' give your H the impression you will be there waiting, if/when he decides to give her up. I would just be silent on stuff like this, try not to engage in R talks and gently pull away & do your own thing.

There's a lot of focus on your H just now. HOw are you getting along with reading the book and your GAL plan. Can you post some of what you are doing for yourself and to try and detach from the situation??

[overcom]

Hi sotto. So I did do my own thing and every now and than go out and sit down. A few times he came in looking for me. I have been taking the kids out and not staying home. I didn't call him today he called me. I have read half the book which I need to restart from the beginning.

[overcom]

Today started off good I went walking for a hr with my d. My s was at my parents house. Then came home and took them to Irvine spectrum. Something is bothering my s who is 5. He loves ice cream and all the junk food amd he didn't want anything. He had no interest in running around, he just wanted to talk to my sin. They waited over 30 mins to get on the Farris wheel and he waited patiently. She was so shocked. She thought I put focus oil on him. I usually put vetiver, lavender and cedarwood on him to calm him down. He didn't eat anything today he only wanted water. Is my situation causing him depression? I cried the whole way back home. Do you think he sees lots of kids with their dad's and h is never out with us or never takes them anywhere? I told my h about his behavior and he was concerned he said he'll spend time with him tomorrow.
I didn't call him today and I didn't tell him where or who I was with... I want him to miss us. Miss me ... but it hurts so bad...

[overcom]

I need help as to setting up goals and boundries. I read some where if you ignore your s then your pushing him/her out the door. They said out of site out of mind. I'm starting to panic..

[Azzork]

I need help as to setting up goals and boundries. I read some where if you ignore your s then your pushing him/her out the door. They said out of site out of mind. I'm starting to panic..

Calm down, overcome. Take a few deep breaths.

There are many different theories out there on how to behave and theres no guarantees that ANY of them will work. In some cases, the spouse's mind is closed and just never re-opens.

Here's the thing, minimizing the contact and pursuit does several things - all of which are good for you.
1) you follow his wishes by giving him the space that he is asking for

2) by giving him the pace, you are letting him live the life that he thinks he wants. He wont learn whether or not the grass is actually greener until he goes and looks at it. Without going and checking it out, in his mind, it will always be incredibly green.

3) It gives YOU the space to detach and untangle your feelings from him. If youre always chasing after him, always getting yourself hurt, theres no way for you to start the healing and growing process.

So what if he's not seeing you right now? There are songs or objects or TV shows or people or whatever that will remind him of you. And you will still talk about your children every so often. You arent COMPLETELY off of his grid.

But hes not going to come back to your old relationship. So you need to make changes. And the first ones need to be your confidence, your self worth, your own sense of well being.

So start simple:
- you wont cry about him today
- you will have one genuine laugh today
- you will give your son two big hugs today
- you will treat yourself to one special food item if you complete your other goals.

How about that? Then we can start working on longer term stuff?

[gonegrl]

Overcome, I feel your panic, I know it too well. But isn't he already out the door? And if he comes back, you don't want the same relationship that you had before, right? Let him go. Work on you. As Azzork said, you have children together so you are never going to be off his mind completely.

Pray, go for a walk, blast music and dance to it, do something that gets your mind off him for a little while. You've got this.

[overcom]

The one thing I am completely regretting right now is falling off the wagon and not able to get back on. What I mean is in February/March I started bding. It took a while but finally was doing it. I went dark, no contact other then regarding the kids or money. I did that for 3 months and he came back. I should have totally continued it, instead I fell back to my old ways that drove him right out the door. I am slowly reaching the wagon but when I read articles like I did yesterday it makes me panic... he was at home all day working on the truck. So it was hard to not be in contact with him even tho I would do my own thing. Then of course the ow wouldn't stop texting or calling and then he disappeared for 3 hrs in the middle of the night. Anyway a while I just went to sleep... while I was standing next to him I saw her long nappy hair tangled around his phone so I pulled it and he started laughing and said what a evidence. He's like it's so sad. Then shook his head and I just walked away... he knows what he's doing is completely wrong but he's still going with it. Which makes me want to do this more then ever. But I'm so weak for him. Anyway I have made some goals and some things I want to fix.. I'll post later. Pray for me guys... pray that I can do this

[overcom]

I really wish I could afford The marriage Coaching. I think that would help me alot

[Azzork]

The one thing I am completely regretting right now is falling off the wagon and not able to get back on. What I mean is in February/March I started bding. It took a while but finally was doing it. I went dark, no contact other then regarding the kids or money. I did that for 3 months and he came back. I should have totally continued it, instead I fell back to my old ways that drove him right out the door. I am slowly reaching the wagon but when I read articles like I did yesterday it makes me panic... he was at home all day working on the truck. So it was hard to not be in contact with him even tho I would do my own thing. Then of course the ow wouldn't stop texting or calling and then he disappeared for 3 hrs in the middle of the night. Anyway a while I just went to sleep... while I was standing next to him I saw her long nappy hair tangled around his phone so I pulled it and he started laughing and said what a evidence. He's like it's so sad. Then shook his head and I just walked away... he knows what he's doing is completely wrong but he's still going with it. Which makes me want to do this more then ever. But I'm so weak for him. Anyway I have made some goals and some things I want to fix.. I'll post later. Pray for me guys... pray that I can do this

I'm confused. Why can't you go back to doing what was working? So you fell off for a few months? There's no rule that says that you can't get back to it.

[overcom]

I am trying so hard. I haven't called him today. I have been keeping busy. So I don't think about him or the situation. I did homework with my son and I didn't get frustrated at him... I'm so proud of myself. And I even gave him a bath and we laughed.