Can't say I feel much like a 'hero' though RD. Just trying really hard not to be bitter about it. She would almost certainly still say i'm being mean and abusive.
The resentment is still there but I really want to let it go. It stems from the effort she puts in with OM1 and the loneliness I feel now compared to the happiness I see in her. This resentment and the fact I was handing my kids back were among the reasons I was in a bad mood when they collected the kids yesterday. The fact it was 'They' is another one, now I've met him its apparent OM1 is now going to be a routine feature of our handovers.
They had all the stuff in the car for another family trip out somewhere and I'll again be honest and say I'm jealous of this. That's my family!!
Stupid stuff still bothers me. For example, I made sure she had regular contact with the kids when I took them on holiday but when she took them, I had to chase her. She asked for some things 'back' that she left behind when she moved out but the 'back' implies I took them. And then she made some comment about having to swap the kids clothes around between houses and it felt like there were some little insinuations within the way she phrased things. This is my issue to own because I feel the criticism in what she says whether its actually there or not (although to be honest I have no clue what she is talking about and said as much).
I did keep my focus on the kids as much as I could and although I acknowledged OM1, we didn't speak at the 2nd handover. I'm being polite but I suspect my XW probably feels a lot of hatred coming from me because I know its there so I need to work on that some more.
One of the other strange things is that even though she chose OM1 over me, so in the only scorecard that matters he wins, I felt completely unthreatened by him which is oddly unusual for me. I still cant figure out that he is shorter than me (and my XW) though - seriously my XW complained several times that I'm not tall enough.
Antiversary Reflections
So its a bit of a lengthy post but the other thing to say is that today marks the 1 year anniversary of BD, and so I'm just going to summarise a few of the things I've learnt in the last year (even if im still working on accepting them):
- It was never about OM1. Yes he was the catalyst and why she left when she did, but she was already looking for her way out.
- I did plenty wrong in our relationship which meant my XW didnt feel supported. Not because I didn't support her but she didn't feel I did, because I let me own fears, hurts and resentments get in the way
- I'd let my independent life slip too far, I was over invested in the relationship which added to an unhealthy pressure
- I need to talk to people more about how I feel, particularly people I love when there is a hurt there. either that or let the hurt go. Holding onto the hurt but not addressing it only causes more problems
- My hurts are legitimate and although I didn't handle them well and some are about my perception, that doesn't mean they weren't valid feelings. As much as my XW says I wasn't there for her, I also felt near constant rejection from her toward me for around 4 years.
- Even if I had been the best husband in history, we still might have ended up here because a lot of my XW's pain wasn't about me.
- I can only control myself and with that I can choose how I react, how i interpret things and how I process my feelings. While I can choose how I feel, I can choose to always try and act in the way I would want the best version of me to act. (this is a LOT easier said than done)
- My kids mean the world to me and no matter what horrible feelings and pain may have come from all this I will forever be grateful to my XW for giving me two of the most beautiful gifts anyone could wish for. I can never regret my time with her because without it, I wouldn't have them.
- Sometimes a hug and a compassionate ear are the only fix that is needed.
- I'm alright.
So where am I now? well I still love my XW and on some levels still want to reconcile. But can see that there is no prospect for this in part because of her attitude towards me, in part because of the hurts and betrayals that have gone on which means I cant see how trust could ever be restored, in part because who wants to be the fallback plan if OM1 doesn't work out - I'd like to have more self respect than that. But most importantly because she doesn't want to because in truth my XW hasn't felt any love toward me for a very long time.
What all of this means (and I know I've said this for some time but its work in progress) is that I need to accept that it was it is and do my best to work toward what I have always described as the second best option - I find a way to forge a productive coparenting relationship with my XW and take what I've learnt from this horrible experience and use it to forge a better relationship with someone else in the future.
Its the end of spectacularly awful year, which also means its the start of a new one full of opportunity - even if it does start with receiving divorce papers.
Thanks for your continued support. ((((everyone))))
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
