Rottzilla, Anita, Rj2, thanks for your posts. I would say I'm in a new phase of DBing now, and your advice is helping me to get it going right.
Quote: Both of us need to renew our vows and start to DB properly again. Less physical availability while still being emotionally available. Needing them, but not needy. Attracting them, not pushing or pursuing them.
Rottzilla (or Elaine?), you are right. It took you guys awhile to knock this into my thick skull, but I think its finally in there, so I'm moving ahead with this approach.
Quote: If you fail, I will be heartbroken because (this may sound crazy to you) I feel like I will fail.
We will not fail. Everyone say it with me, "We will not fail!" With our patient kindness, loving detachment, and perseverant spirits, we will prevail.
Quote: She tells you that your arent' good at this separation stuff, I don't think she is either, again just a thought I had
Anita, I think you are so on the money on this one. How couldn't I see that before. She's no better at it than I am.
Update...
Thursday night we had another ghost episode in the house. W woke up to voices and clicking sound like wiffleball bouncing on a sidewalk. As soon as she looked out the window all the noise stopped, and there was noone outside. She called out my name, and I woke up and came in and sat next to her on her bed. I held her hand and we talked for a little while about the ghostly stuff in the house, and some ghostly stuff at OM's house.
I told her about an episode that had happened a few weeks ago one night while she was at OM's. I awoke to the sound of footsteps in the attic, and when I started to climb out of bed the noises stopped. So I actually got out a flashlight and went up into the attic and sat up there for half an hour to see if anything else would happen. W was shocked, she said "ohmigod I would never have done that." She said the ghost stuff wierds her ou, I said I don't mind it--I actaully kind of like it--as long as its always innocent and benevolent. Mind you I had years ago previously always denied any kind of thing such as ghosts--maintaining that it was all somehow explainable as some simple coincidence. We went downstairs, mad some chocolate milk, talked for a few mintes and went back to bed.
Friday night we went shopping together again. She later went to OM's for the night. I went out with friends.
Saturday she ran a 10k with OM. She left him in the dust. He's trim, but not in athletically fit at all. We only saw each other for a few minutes on Saturday. She was about to get in the shower when I stopped by the house in between two birthday parties I attended Saturday night. I chatted with her for a few minutes, told her that Friday night I had to use my wedding ring like a shield to fend off the women, and then said goodbye (politely telling her people were waiting for me, and I had tor run).
Sunday. She came home early this morning before I'd even gotten out of bed. No breakfast this time, but she did actaully clean the bathroom. I was shocked and thrilled. I thanked her. I have been letting go on some of the cleaning around the house to see if she'll actually start to do a little more. We were talking about how we need the roofer to come out and reattach a few of the slate shingles. She asked me if I could call the roofers. I told her very pleasantly that I thought she should take care of that phone call becasue its techinically her house now. She asked if I had their telephone number. I told her that all the information she needed was in the roof project folder I gave her three months ago (I was the one who managed the major house projects like the roof and the kitchen renovation). She said oh, and we talked about something else after that.
Currently she is going over OM's to wash her car (I haven't offered to wash it since last time) and I'm going to church and possibly out to have dinner with some friends. She said she might come back tonight. I was getting out of the shower as she was about to walk out. She came running back upstairs, "I forgot my sunglasses." She calls from her bedroom for me to come see how cute the cat looks sleeping on the bed. I walk over and stand in her bedroom door--still dripping wet--and we talk about the how cute the cat is for 5 minutes. She slowly walks over towards the door and stands there facing me saying she's going, but just sort of stands there looking at me. I put my finger on her nose and she just looks at me. I ask if I can touch her nose with mine. She goes "Oh an eskimo kiss?" and I say yes and give her an eskimo kiss. I move out of her way, we say bye, and she leaves.
I know I need to detach more. It's hard to detach and act as if I'm having this great life WITHOUT her, when in truth I want to spend all of my time WITH her. But I've got to do it. I just have to. And like Betsey said, I really don't have anything to lose, so I'm going to keep pushing forward with detaching. I like Rj2's description...
Quote: Acting like you're fine as things are now, especially since you are living together, you have that daily opportunity to show her the new, exciting you! The one who's meeting all kinds of new people, including women (just platonic, but the suggestion of "what if" does wonders!) and doing stuff without W.
So I'm looking for more advice on detaching, and getting a life. I think I've started the ball rolling, but if anyone has any more pointers, feel free to throw them at me.
