I am absolutely trying to tell you the same thing Betsey is. You and I have the same fears, and I am at the same stagnant point in our R. I know that to move further on, I need to go out on my own more and "draw H through the door." Where I am now, constantly available to him, he doesn't feel the need to move on things. He is allowing himself that outer shell of protection that won't allow him to feel love for me. I want his love, and I have to learn to stop feeling afraid that if I go out, he will grow apart from me. However, if I stay where I am right now, and not go out and do my own things to make him curious and "draw him towards me," guess where I'll be? Probably 6 months from now either still waiting, or else in 6 months, he will be tired of waiting for those feelings to come back and begin looking for OW again.
It's so very hard because each weekend, he makes plans and invites me, and these are my friends also he is going out with. How do I say "no?" How do I pass up the opportunity to go out and have a good time with him and create more memories? But, I also know that I am the glue that binds these nights out, and without me, they won't have as good a time. H is too laid back and doesn't make decisions or plans well... so, I know what I need to do, but I can't bring myself to do it.
He has his cake and is eating it too. He told me once that he felt cold towards me, no love or anything, but that he didn't ever want to lose my friendship. Well, that's his fear, and I need to remember that and use it. Now that he is back to caring about me and wanting to be around me, what effect will it have on him to see that I am not always available to him as a friend because sometimes I am out doing my own thing? Does the word "longing" mean anything to you? Well, H used to "long" for me at work. He thought about me all the time. He emailed me, met me for lunch, wrote me letters and couldn't wait for me to get home at night so we could be together. That's the love I had, and I am willing to settle for no less from him again.
I need to make him long for me, and to chase me.
I NEED to walk away from that door and leave him wondering where I am. I NEED to be doing something fun and exciting when he peeks in that door. I NEED to ignore him for a while while he watches me from the door "longing" for me. And then, I WANT to invite him to join me on my side of the door... and join me in my new activities.
I am taking up painting and guitar again, which he has always admired in me. I am also going bike riding at lunch, and I am going to get my stamina up, then join a mountain biking club. Some new friends, new activities, and something H loves to do. So, when he finally peeks through that door, he will long to be with me doing fun things with my new friends. And, after I have had my fill of his watching me, I will invite him in. "Come on in, the water's fine."
Now, you may be thinking, Elaine, why on earth did you just hijack my thread? Well, because I want you (1) to use those powers of insight to see that what I said about my sitch is correct, and (2) to see how it applies in your sitch as well. I've seen some really fantastic positives in my situation that show me that H is "" this close to coming around to ILY again. I was trying to point out to you that your W is showing you through her subtle words that she may feel that way again.
Both of us need to renew our vows and start to DB properly again. Less physical availability while still being emotionally available. Needing them, but not needy. Attracting them, not pushing or pursuing them.
Renew, I almost feel as if you and I are in this together. When something happens in your side, it seems to mirror in my side. If you fail, I will be heartbroken because (this may sound crazy to you) I feel like I will fail. I care about a lot of people I have met on this board, as most of us do, but I really have gotten so much from you and through so much because of you and your wonderful ability to have insight into my situation.
It almost seemed like you were starting to lose faith for a bit there, and it was scaring me. Don't do that, I think you are also "" this close.
So, take heart, see the good in what she told you, discard the negative, and let's go get 'em!!!
