Alligator Love

[Zues126]

Thanks JB.

Today's sermon was about trusting God's will. We start in a state of wanting what we want. Then we try to have faith that God has a plan for us, but we can't trust him enough to let go of our own control, or to sacrifice. The point was that God has great things in store for us if we have faith and let him guide us. And that we can't do this only for big decisions, but to follow him daily.

The main point that relates, though, was the idea that we are NOT to use our own limited understanding of how we think things work to try to run our lives. Our understanding is very narrow and selfish, and we can't possibly lead our own lives. The more we are willing to put God ahead of ourselves, and really invite him to influence our daily choices, the more we can be part of what he has in store. It may not be everything we wanted, in fact it won't be...but it will be what God wants for us, and better than the destruction we bring on ourselves.

I look at my failings in the M, and I see all of it came from selfishness, of failing to release control over how I wanted the M to be, or how I thought STBX should be, or what I expected to get from it. I look at STBX's controlling issues and see that she, too, never let go, always held her desires/opinions/outlooks as the highest authority. I can see that I'd never be able to trust someone like that, because how could you?

Now we have these debates on this forum about what I should do. Stand or start dating. If I date, do I involve myself with a number of women, or do I do what I've done before? Do I set enhanced boundaries, and use this next relationship as a chance to 'hold out for what I want', or do I just go with the flow and take what comes my way and be appreciative.

What I know is that I need to trust in God to show me what he wants. If I make those decisions from a place of selfishness, fear, or lust, I'm bound to bring more pain to myself. And if I end up with someone else that is self-serving, they will bring that pain on me too.

M is tough, and I'm starting to think the only way it can work is if both people put God ahead of their M, and their M in front of themselves. It's not easy, but it's easier than D and broken families. And I'm starting to think that letting go of our will is the central growth post BD.

Funny thing is that I'm not a 'believer' in many senses of the word. But the wisdom of being subservient to principles greater than your own desires doesn't require a leap to the spiritual world. It really just makes sense.

So when the time comes I am ready for a new R, I will look for someone that doesn't hold themselves as their own authority in life- if God wants that for me . Most importantly, though, I will try to follow that path more often, so I don't destroy what I'm given the way I have in the past.