DBing for my best friend, my W.

[Underdog]

Okay, Renew... it's time for game huddle. I'm going to be back your way next week, so I might have to hunt you down to reiterate what I'm going to say here and now.

As I've told Dazed Boy, Seattle and Triple J in the past, I don't see the fat lady in the stadium yet. I read on someone else's post that she was on a diet and unavailable?

So here's my opinion, for what it's worth...

You need to do more work in detaching. She knows how you feel about her and your M, and she senses a pursuit--no matter how it's coming across from your side of the coin.

You're awfully available to her right now. Forgive me for being blunt here (it seems to be in my nature today), but what incentive are you giving her to want to come back and work on things? You're doing the pedaling, guy.

And she knows it.

I truly think you have something to work with and work for, Renew. You just need to tweak things a bit. Your overall all goal and attributes are certainly working for you. So what do you have to lose by dropping the rope?

What would happen if she felt threatened by you moving on? If she sensed that she doesn't have your friendship unconditionally? If she is your best friend and views you as such, she's going to find that prospect a little disturbing. But she's going to have to believe that you're taking those steps to get there.

Please understand that I'm not suggesting you stop being friendly toward her. But to give her the impression that you are not her lackey and doormat and love her, but love yourself enough to be fair to yourself?

So I agree with you on not making any radical changes. You're a nice guy, so don't pull a 180 and start acting like a jerk. But I do think a good 180 for you would be to start doing things that you find enjoyable without asking her to join you.

What do you think?

Hugs,

Betsey

p.s. Mr. W. and I have good friends who have been M for 24 years (he met them in college). She became a WAW, for a variety of reasons. And yes, they're happily still married today, with a whole lot of effort.

Anyway, we went out to visit them in CA 2 years ago. I asked her why she was inclined to come back and work with her H? She said, "Because he went out and got a life without me. He'd been using me as his social crutch for too long, and I realized that I liked the new person he had become and his new circle of friends."