Came home just to grab abite to eat. W asked me to grab a paper from across the street for article about a client. I fetched paper, came in, and read article to her. Flipped through rest of paper to see about upcoming concerts. W mentioned a particular upcoming concertina few months she said she was probably going to. I said I was also interested. W said I could go if I could handle being there with her and OM. I was quiet. She asked what I was thinking. I said no comment. She asked again. I said no comment again. She asked again. I said there's probably a ton of things part of me wants to say, but part of tells me I shouldn't say anything. Now she definitely wanted to hear what I had to say. So I opened my mouth and we started talking. And I did my best to listen twice as much as I talked. I did a good job of validating and not defending, but I also asked a lot of questions (some phrased better than others, but none of them pushy or intrusive)
What we talked about...
Us doing activities together: I said I would like it if we could do activities together. I told her that while I would like to do activities with her, I don't expect it, it's just that its difficult for me that she attends so many activities with OM, but none with me. She doesn't want us participating in activities because then we would be in a relationship and she's not ready to have a relationship with me, because she's still somehow in protection mode with me and it makes her uncomfortable, because she's honest with OM about what she and I do and he would know we were having a relationship and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, because she's afraid of giving me false hope, because that's what she meant when she said I wasn't very good at being separated.
Her feelings for me, about us: She knows where I stand and how I feel, she feels I understand where she stands and how she feels. She feels like my behavior is the behavior of someone who cares about her, she feels I've been very patient and considerate, she feels I've been behaving like I always should have been, she feels that I do care about her and am interested in her, she feels my behavior has made her much more comfortable around me, she acknowledges that she finds me very physically attractive but is not yet attracted to be intimate with me, she said when she feels something more for me we won't need a sign--she'll know and she'll say,...
She feels that we do have a connection (communication/emotional) again but feels like part of her is retracted in a shell because of everything that happened with us--a protective shell that keeps her from getting closer to me, she feels she can occasionally peek out of that shell when she is with OM, she feels she has not been able to peek out of that shell with me, she feels that being physically close (touch) with me makes her uncomfortable because of the shell, she just doesn't know if the shell will ever go away with me. She feels like our emotional connection was what made our relationship so strong, she feels that while we had a good physical relationship it wasn't the core of the relationship (and that having the emotional as the core like we did is the right way to have a relationship), she feels that the emotional relationship core that we had is the only reason she and I are able to handle things with each other like we are right now.
She cares about me wants to see me heal and get back on my feet, she feels like she tells me so much about OM because it is a way for her to make sure she's not giving me false hope, she doesn't want to do anything to hurt me because she thinks we can still be close no matter what happens,...
Her feelings about OM: She likes OM a lot, she feels like her and OM have a lot in common (upbringing, generosity, talkativeness, painful relationships to talk about... this is not to say that I don't necessarliy have these qualities) and that these things draw them closer, she knows that OM is likes her a lot and is becoming attached to her and wants their relationship to continue forward but that she is trying to take it very slow (this being why she spends time at home with me and away from him). She thinks OM is so attracted to her because noone has ever shown him reciprocal love in relationship, she thinks OM and I are very similar in how we are behaving with her (in our behaving with patience, consideration, understanding),...
About her: She's trying to come to terms with the fact that she thinks its too late for her to have kids, she's made her career more of a priority in her life, she pretty much knows what she wants out of her life but is not entirely sure about who she'll spend it with, her choices are about her--they're not about OM and they're not about me,...
After the convo, I thanked her for being so forthcoming with me, I told her it meant a lot to me, that it helps me a lot when she shares like this with me. We seemed to be able to talk about everything without any upset, and we ended the convo well, and we said we see each other for dinner tonight.
There were probably a few things I missed. I am still reflecting on all of this, we covered a lot of stuff in an hour and a half. I am still taking it all in. I'm still not exactly sure, but it felt like it was a good conversation for both of us. I think I've made a lot of progress to date, but I feel like progress from here is going to be a different kind of progress or more difficult to make or require extra effort or require new methods or all of the above. I think I should reread DR and double up my efforts, but not make any radical changes from what I've been doing the past few months.
It's all a bit of quandary I must say. I'd love to hear someone else's opinion about all of this because I can't see the forest for the trees right now.
