By the way, I think many men, with or without MLC do feel bait and switched by M. My H says some of his friends admitted that once the children are born they are forgotten. From their standpoint, I do think many of them see that transference of attention to the kids and get jealous.
Perhaps many are caught up in the old/new ideals of being a father. The old? Dad comes home, puts on his slippers, smokes his pipe and drinks a martini, prepared by his stay-at-home wife who just finished making dinner and putting on her makeup to look pretty for him. The new? Middle of the night feeding junior, stay at home dad who just finished making dinner so mom could come home, put on her slippers and sip a martini while she admired her just manscaped husband.
A man or woman who doesn't think having a baby will change their lives, is just kidding themselves. A man or woman who doesn't have some sort of confusion of what they should or shouldn't be like in their relationship, at least between them, is kidding themselves.
I have never had the conversation with a buddy who said he felt abandoned by his spouse after the kids were born. I've known many that have allowed room in their families for the additions while struggling to keep their marriage alive. Know what it takes to do that? Both spouses working at it.
Resentment comes from failed to be met expectations. The funny part of that is that the expectations don't have to be realistic nor expressed. You can build resentment just by having an expectation and it not being met. I've seen some people that are like chameleons where they take on other people's expectations and resentments. That's bizarre to me, but I've seen it many times.
What I'm getting at is this. Your husband is still on board with trying to make things work. He wouldn't get upset or even be there if that was not something he wanted.
The same could be said for you. Changes usually happen in small increments, vs. tectonic shifts. Perhaps you could commit to making a change on some frequent basis, assess it for how it fits you, how you see yourself and what it is you want your life to be like? I think you'll find that deliberate changes can be earth-moving. It's just that you move it one shovel full at a time, so it seems slow at first.
All in all - be careful of your friends, the things you put in your heads, and make small changes consistently.
You just may find that you really do love this man and he, you.
Good luck on your journey.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
