Thanks for reply and sorry for delay but I travel a bit and really have limited time sometimes to read and evaluate. I agree with your posts and yes, if she does show love in one way I shouldnt punish her for lack of sex and intimacy. I know, it is probably too early to expect that and demanding these things when everything else is not right is not a good thing. BTW we did last night, and not the most romantic or passionate by any means with a discussion to start off with but the previous time she left the bedroom. This time even halfway through she laughed at a comment I made and afterwards was close.
During the past weeks we have had some bust ups, big ones and then calm, after which we both mellowed out and changed our actions towards each other in a positive way. The latest arguments are owing to a new situation in my life which will change our lives drastically.
Another point that I have realized is that I do have this tendency to want to control everything in our marriage, her, how fast or slow we go, etc. I don't know why but I realize it. I agree I should STOP and cut some slack but her behaviour does irritate me a lot. Nevertheless I will make a serious effort to stop. It is not healthy.
As you know, she lost her job 2.5 years ago and she has found refuge in sports so as to spend less time at home, take her mind off things and the like. She is also trying to make new friends actively by friend requesting on FB, I hardly see anyone asking her. During our talks I told her that I was happy she was making friends as she should like we all should but sad that the little happiness she does seem to have she prefers to share with them and not at home. I also criticized her for not actively looking for work at the beginning and now after so long it is too litle too late with only 2 interviews to show. The result has meant all the weight of the house, finances, relationship and my own work responsabilities have rested on my shoulders during this time which I did not mind until I got criticized for my personality or behaviour by her. my only defence was that all this makes me act like someone I am not and do not want to be but I am tested daily, every time her phone pings, everytime she spends each hour away from home, everytime I have to make a decision, etc.
Anyhow I will be moving out of the country (confirmed) next year so have to sell the house and put it on the market next month. She is now at a crossroads. We argue because she asks a question now, maybe another in a few days but will not openly discuss this move and it is worrying her as she says it does not let her sleep. Our son is also wanting to move as there are no real career prospects and he does not want to settle for a minimum wage. An example of this was when I asked her if she had considered living with a good friend of hers and she replied if I was joking. I said no because she never made any clear indication she was willing to move. She replied that just because she didnt say anything did not mean she wasnt thinking about it. She also mentioned that our son should go with me next month to see what the country is like and I agreed but that it was funny that the person who really needed to have a look and convincing (her) was not coming. Her reply was that she was thinking of coming over with us but that she did not want our son to make a mistake even though she did not say anything. I am not a mind reader and she makes assumptions without hearing all the facts. I really do not understand this behaviour. She thinks about this move but does not want to talk about it. Just once she wanted the bullet points. her last comment was that her heart was saying stay and her head that she should go. I told her that I cannot live her life for her nor our son, I could live my life. What I did promise was to do everything I could to try and make her happy but it was her call. After so long doing it her way it seemed pointless to carry on and if she was affected at having no job as she said then doing more of the same expecting a different result in view of our current success was not the way to go. Maybe, changing the surroundings, having a job, earning decent money and seeing how it goes for a period, basically a fresh start would be better, especially if living as we are now she is not happy. She is aware that whatever she does I will be moving, and the house will be up for sale and she will have to go back to her parents house without income and as I also told her, I will move on with my life and her staying will inevitably be the end of our marriage.
She said that some days she was in favour going, others staying and so on and that going meant having what I called a whole marriage or lets call it normal marriage. I agreed, I told her that if she was to move I wanted a new and happy marriage and not the same crappy one we had until now. I made it clear to her that our life and our marriage as we knew it ended the day all this blew up 4 months ago. Nothing would ever be the same again. We now have a chance to build something new or let it go, she had a choice. I would work on any issues to correct them since we both agreed we wanted to just be happy.
Anyway, we cooled down, and started talking again normally about other things but I imagine she is in some sort of crisis, depression, etc seeing that she has no control of her life but still not wanting to take the bull by the horns and doing something about it.
Sorry about long text but so much happened these days.
