as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

[gonegrl]

You guys are killing me! I am LOL too.

[asitis]

If you were REALLY a nice guy, you'd replace it with one that works.

If I thought she'd accept, I'd offer one that works any time she wants to come over and crawl into bed with me.

Man, she'd be horrified if she knew what we were talking about.

[asitis]

OK, we've had fun, but I'm feeling a bit bad about continuing it the more I think about it. I know I instigated, and I had some venting to do & some serious questions. I also know that none of you know her, but it still feels like I'm crossing a boundary that I'd like to pull back on. There is also something sad that she has a loving man who would give her all the pleasure, affection, and comfort, and she is not able to let herself take that risk.

Thanks for the laughs though.

Today is also a bit of a down day. I figured out that part of it is that when start relaxing and feeling like things are going well between us that she usually pours some salt in the wounds by wanting to move forward on the D. I think I was/am unconsciously experiencing anticipatory anxiety.

[PigPen]

The push/pull is the hardest for a lot of us As, I feel it too. You get a good sign, or interpret something as a good sign but have to keep the idea in mind that it doesn't mean anything to your WAW. To them it's just a kind gesture, or a smile, or a laugh. It doesn't change what they really want or what they're still planning on doing.

Take it all in stride. You can sit through anything and will get through all of this in one piece. Better than a lot of people on here I'd venture, even though your pain is still your own.

Hope you get some cushion time this weekend.

PP

[Fogg]

Strange. I can't imagine forgetting & leaving something like that out, and I'm not as bashful about such things as my W always has been.

My W has done things like this months and months ago and you might not like the answer to why. She likely just doesn't think about it. She is so focused on her new life and how happy it is going to make her that you and things such as that don't cross her mind that often. She has more important things to think about and focus on(to her).

There is also something sad that she has a loving man who would give her all the pleasure, affection, and comfort, and she is not able to let herself take that risk.


Today is also a bit of a down day. I figured out that part of it is that when start relaxing and feeling like things are going well between us that she usually pours some salt in the wounds by wanting to move forward on the D. I think I was/am unconsciously experiencing anticipatory anxiety.

Its not what they want in life right now so why should they try to fill their needs with us. It could be they want something specific more so why would they have the cappuccino when they're going after the latte.

Expectations will get you, they creep up deep down when you don't even realize it. That's the difficult part of doing all of this with hope that things will work out by our actions. You can do everything right and DB perfectly and it mean nothing. The fact is while we have some influence on them coming back its still mostly on them. Compare it to filling a bucket with water. We have the eye dropper and they have a big gulp cup. What we do, no matter how well, will only have so much of an effect on the outcome.

[asitis]

I think it mostly just forgetfulness on her part. It's not just things having to do w/ me, she's just plain more forgetful.

I know that she is not thinking her life is all that great right now. She's showing signs of depression still, talks about how hard this is for her, and just doesn't seem all that happy. That doesn't mean she is sitting around thinking of me & how to send messages.

You're right that we don't ultimately have that much control. We can DB perfectly and still have it not work out. I think this down mood today was not a why aren't we making progress down. It is more that I was starting to feel like the stress was down and things were at least smooth sailing so that I could just focus on my life. It is often then that W throws something into the room to screw that mood up. So, just pure anticipatory anxiety. I know things haven't changed, I know there are going to be these, things are going well right now, so it's time for her to make things uncomfortable again.

Putting it this way, I wonder if she starts feeling this way too, and it scares her. As we can just relax and get settled into a grove of relatively smooth sailing as co-parents. That could make her feel uneasy for many reasons (fear that she might have some feelings towards me, fear that she has not been maintaining her boundaries forcefully enough & I might do something that hurts her, fear that I'm not paying attention to her when I can be just pleasant but not focused on her like I clearly am when she stirs the pot). Who knows. No use guessing. But realizing that for whatever reason that there seems to be a pattern that I've unconsciously picked up on is at least something to be aware of. Not that I can do anything about it. But knowing that this is just par for the course may make it easier to not get caught by surprise.

Just thinking out loud. And, yes I'm aware there was a bit of mind reading in some of that. In this case, it is allowing me to relax & get my focus back on me.

[asitis]

DB when S is sick


OK, W has a cold. No big deal, but it reminded me of one of the scenarios I've puzzled about wo/ resolution. What to do when W gets sick enough to not be able to watch kids on her days? So, I decided to work through it some more here.

We have no family in the area to fall back on. Sure, there are babysitters. But we don't have someone on retainer. During the week, there is school & day care, but that only covers part of the day.

I'm busy. She is busy. She has been there for me when I went through months of cancer treatment that left me debilitated. Despite everything, I'm still pretty sure she would be there to help if I were really sick or injured, and I know I would be there for her in the same situation. It is who I am, and it is one of those things I'm not going to change.

Anyway, I'm pondering over my instinct to try to help, and my "this is the way she wanted it" reaction. I know that at some level she must not want or expect to rely on me as an H when convenient while not wanting me as an H. I also know that she would likely try to help some if the tables were turned, at least now.

Yet, now my schedule is busier than hers, and much less flexible. I really can't get behind, and I can't miss classes.

I also know that after the likely D, and if she is in a new R, that reciprocation will not be as available or available at all. So, do I do the nice thing, or is it time for tough love. This is what it is likely going to be like. If it isn't too much of an inconvenience, I might help you at such times, but I'm not going to drop things on your day because you aren't capable of handling it.

Thoughts? What have others done, particularly those who have the instinct to help & may have struggled w/ this conundrum?

[Sotto]

Hi Asitis. I think it may be best to approach this primarily with a child focus, and not make it about you and her.

If she has a cold, she is well enough to be able to look after the kids. However, if she has flu, she probably isn't well enough. I think if you use that as your guide, that may be a good plan. And if you are getting news that she is really incapacitated, you can step in and help to ensure the kids are well looked after.

Otherwise, you may want to wait until or unless she asks for help, in which case you can assist if you are comfortable and able to do so...

[asitis]

Yes. I don't offer any more. There has to be a request.

It was one of the times she allowed herself to be pampered & cared for, and something I enjoyed doing. But I've been deconditioned by having her negative reinforcement for being the nice, helpful H.

[Avanti]

asitis, being blunt why are you thinking about these things? Are you using her cold as an excuse to step off the DB path? You are detached/detaching right? So deal with things like this as and when she asks, nothing more. If you sense the kids are going to be unduly impacted, maybe take action even if it's not requested. The kids can look after their to a certain extent and their being around will probably lift her anyway. Get back to the focus on your hectic schedule and if something major comes up (it won't) deal with it, you aren't there for her anymore, you are there for you and your kids.