My WW loves her OOM

[asitis]

Both her behavior & your moving through depression and anger are very, very normal. It is (part of) why detachment and GAL are so important: so you don't get reactive to these powerful stimuli. You will likely swing around emotionally a lot, from sadness, anger, hope, hurt, etc. Even when you've been relatively calm for a while, these can still jump up and bite us in the a$$.

Here's what I discovered about my first swing to the angry phase. I had apologized over and over. I had taken the steps & done the work to right the problematic behavior. I had taken steps to make amends. And, yet nothing worked. If anything, she responded with more distance and boundaries. I started to get angry that she wasn't forgiving me and moving back toward me. I felt like she was being irrational for hurting me more when I did what she said she wanted. Sound familiar?

Here are some other things. My anger was a combination of frustration and a much deeper hurt and fear. Being a guy, socialized the way we are on emotions, it was much easier to let the anger free, and much harder to recognize and embrace the other two deeper, more painful emotions. After all, that would be to admit I couldn't just fix things. That would mean I wasn't in control. That would mean I was a failure. That is a hard place to go for most of us guys, at least in our culture.

So, I let myself be angry, but I also allowed myself to feel the hurt, sadness, and fear that were under the anger. I also learned to stop seeing things from just my perspective and wanting to control my W's feelings and behaviors and see things from her perspective. I put myself in her shoes. I imagined myself a very hurt person who was afraid the person who she had put so much hope and trust in would hurt me. That his actions showed that he didn't listen to me, but now that I'm out the door and he will lose me he will change to try to get me back to that painful arrangement. It is still all about him and his needs, not me and my needs. I don't want him to show me he can be a good H, I want him to give me the space I asked for. I want him to hear me, and even if it is very hard for him, to set aside his needs and help me meet my needs. Every action he takes is just trying to get past my boundaries, and that scares me. Why won't he just give me what I've asked for this once. Not what I asked for long ago, that is past. What I've asked for now.

It is hard, because we are focused on the past and fear of a future wo/ the woman we do love. We need to focus on the present and addressing the present needs and requests of the woman we love. There may come a time when your new behavior will count with her again, and you still need to do the work to change. It's just not sufficient by itself. You also need to really, really back off. To switch your focus to you. To figure out who you want to be & what your life can be wo/ her. Maybe then, after the dust has settled, she'll start to be attracted to the interesting man you've become, notice the changes, notice that you are sustaining them as part of your life rather than as a ploy to get her back.

In the meantime. Respect your anger. Let yourself feel it. Explore what is under it (anger is usually triggered by deeper emotions,like fear & hurt). And, try to limit the damage of letting it drive your words and actions.

Good luck. It is frustrating.