MLC Funhouse continues

[HaWho]

AJM- thanks for all the insights. Yes, you are right- I certainly had other options besides distancing. Knowing what I know now, I would handle things differently. You have given me a lot of good advice; thanks. I have many changes to make when it comes to my destructive pattern of distancing.

Mleigh-thanks for the post! I think the pattern you describe is a garden variety martial problem. How I coped, obviously, was not a healthy solution to a fairly common problem! I read somewhere that there is a lifecycle to a marriage. Now that my kids are more independent, my M needs quite a bit of CPR due to the flatlining that occurred these last few years. As H is in MLC, resuscitation can only take place in spurts.

By the way, I think many men, with or without MLC do feel bait and switched by M. My H says some of his friends admitted that once the children are born they are forgotten. From their standpoint, I do think many of them see that transference of attention to the kids and get jealous.

LouR-thanks for the advice and for sharing your situation. I also let that resentment build too. I saw H's time to himself and felt abandoned as well. I was jealous that his life seemed to roll on while mine changed SO drastically. My new life was unrecognizeable to my old life.

I should have handled it differently. I know I cannot bring those feelings along into the new M.

As for H and whether he knows he too needs to make changes, I think he does. He is still somewhere in MLC. He is moving along in there but he is not done yet. He has shown that he needs to make changes. His reaching out to me for a walk after the passive aggressive shot is a huge step for him. The apology is also a sign of tremendous growth. He is dealing with a lot: MLC, childhood issues, reviving a M, raising kids, financial responsibilities, etc.

I would like to do a complete 180 next time this happens. If he makes a comment like that again, I am going to be playful and peck him on the cheek and say: "no, no we both promised to leave the past behind." Then I will tousle his hair or do something flirtatious. I think this is a way I can re-wire. This way I do not distance and I do not leave the ball in his court. I make the changes in myself. Also, the playfulness will show that I done with that old song and dance.