Zelda - Baby One More Time

[PigPen]

Wow! Games for sure.

Let me leave some stuff, have you throw it out like it's your job to take care of it...but also keep some things so that we have to have communication.

A great twist on the old "leave behind technique"

Stay strong Zelda!

PP

[pinn]

wow Z... you are strong... I admire it

[Zelda09]

Thanks Pinn, Pighead. I just misplaced my lady balls for a time.

Not being love drunk - achieved by significant no contact - has been the biggest help in re-centering on my experience. Rather than worrying what he could mean, what he wants, what he is thinking...who cares. The only thing he was ever right about was that he "married up." And my number one goal is to get back to the me (slightly older and wiser) that I was before I let his mind-effery take hold.

A long time ago Cadet told me to take my love, box it up and put it on the shelf. That's where it stays. To open it?

XH would have to grow up, replace abuse tactics with direct and assertive communication. He'd have to find something to replace the emptiness inside of him. A single personality to settle on. Understand why he makes sympathy grabs to other women all the time. Do something to show me this, regain trust.

Life is too short. I plan on being wildly successful and madly in love again before he even gets through step one.

[asitis]

Thanks Pinn, Pighead. I just misplaced my lady balls for a time.

Not being love drunk - achieved by significant no contact - has been the biggest help in re-centering on my experience. Rather than worrying what he could mean, what he wants, what he is thinking...who cares. The only thing he was ever right about was that he "married up." And my number one goal is to get back to the me (slightly older and wiser) that I was before I let his mind-effery take hold.

A long time ago Cadet told me to take my love, box it up and put it on the shelf. That's where it stays. To open it?

XH would have to grow up, replace abuse tactics with direct and assertive communication. He'd have to find something to replace the emptiness inside of him. A single personality to settle on. Understand why he makes sympathy grabs to other women all the time. Do something to show me this, regain trust.

Life is too short. I plan on being wildly successful and madly in love again before he even gets through step one.

And he's shown no sign of doing that. Much easier for him to find a new victim to get what he feels he needs than to look in the mirror and fix things that will horrify him about himself.

By the time he might get around to it, your life will be well beyond that. You'll likely have found someone who deserves you and will be good for you to be with. You'll have a lot of work to do to not let the scars of the past interfere with that opportunity. Just saying. You know your course. And, yes knowing doesn't make the urge to turn back any easier.

On to the practical: just set a time limit to resolve all outstanding issues. He wants X. If you are OK with this, just say that he can, but all requests need to be settled by the end of the month. All of them. If you dispute any, pay a mediator for an hour of time to sit down and address any nagging items and be done with it.

If you don't mind him coming over to take care of his junk rather than you being responsible for throwing it out, make that what you still need from him. I suspect just junking it yourself will be less hassle than having to deal w/ him, but maybe not. Just one of the costs of being free.

e-Hugs.

[Vanilla]

Been there, done that. Turn up any time you like, collect some stuff,leave behind others. Have the t-shirt.

"I can turn up when I like, take what I want" My WH actually said that.

Sounds like your XWH is also saying "take care of my junk and I decide what is junk".

So I took all the stuff I could find, even empty envelopes and I packed it. All of it, put it in storage. "No need for you to visit my home WH. So leave me alone.make it happen".

Here is selection from a list: old garden chairs, empty picnic box, 10 bottles of water: 5 bottles of Chianti; half bottle of gin, open box of tooth picks, 52 cookery books, bandages, ear plugs, two old Xbox, broken telephone handset, TV, very old broken TV, box of old paperwork including used stamps and empty envelopes, broken mixed assortment of electrical equipment, 110 pairs of socks, 142 pairs of underpants (including holes), three dressing gowns with stains, duvet, 12 old pillows, unused pan set, cutlery (mixed assortment), broken can opener, tea bags, gravy strainer, mixed random car products, old children's toys, nappy bags, potty, broken car seat.......need I continue.

I wrapped everything very very carefully indeed, folded, tissue paper, foam protection bubble wrap lots of tape, items wiped, carefully protected, boxed, then in storage box. Or if clothes, folded, ironed, tissue paper, in suitcases or nap bags. Linens etc in plastic storage bags.

I treated every item as if it were the Crown Jewels.

Trust me, this WH got everything of his, half used soap, shaving creams, razor blades ( even the old ones.) I emptied every cupboard, drawer, attic space, garage cupboard. Methodically. There is nothing left, not even a screwdriver. I went to the pound store and got lots of plastic boxes to store food and cans, all of his non perishables that he says I never.bought him.

Why did I do this? Trust me it isn't passive aggressive, there are some valuable things for WH, memories, photographs etc. it isn't for me to decide what's good or not. This way no accusations, something's broken or damaged deliberately. This way no suggestion that I have not given WH everything of his. I don't decide he does. He doesn't get to say, there was a precious photo in an old envelope or any other thing. He got it all, any doubt I put it in his pile. It's only stuff.

New annoying strategy WH haunts the village pubs near the big house, I leave and go to my Brighton flat.

Complete NC, no texts, emails, calls, etc. he will move on very quickly as its a boring life.

Z it's coming to an end, this is the last hurrah, it's frustrating. It's also very humorous and obvious. my suggestion, have a belly laugh, if there isn't a storage locker full, box it and post it. If you have no address to a mutual friend who is willing for collection. Use lots of box tape, so it has to be taken away and not opened.

V

[asitis]

OK V, I'm impressed and troubled.

First, was the chianti and good? I would have kept that as a management/moving fee.

Second, you really counted how many socks & pairs of underwear he had?

And, a guy with a gravy strainer?

This list was fun reading. Glad that's past in your life though.

[Vanilla]

Yes the Chianti was very good but WH bought it. I kept the Rjioca,which was even better. Yes I listed and counted everything even the underpants and socks.

A copy of the list went into WH storage locker. I recommend this if your XWW or XWH is very awkward. I also had someone else sign the list as we put the stuff in storage. No wriggle room.

WH doesn't cook at all, but the books were from his W1 who died, so he has 3 granddaughters who he would like to give them too.

V

[asitis]

WH doesn't cook at all, but the books were from his W1 who died, so he has 3 granddaughters who he would like to give them too.

And he has been keeping every sock and every pair of underwear since she died?

[Vanilla]

He hoards. Many of the underpants are size M and WH is now an XL. Maybe with saggy elastic they still fit, not my concern. I did wash them all first before packing, no skids.

He probably has a secret stash of boogers somewhere, stored with his list of POWs.

Apologies Z for hijack, but I trust we are raising a smile.

V

[Zelda09]

I am having a good laugh. One of the items he picked up yesterday was a box full of empty boxes. In case anybody wants the original iPhone box without a phone in it. You know. Might come in handy.

I am going to donate his old medical equipment. It felt like a slap in the face he left it all behind after a year of telling me he was going to be an invalid for the rest of his life and "Z you're not prepared to be a caretaker."

Most everything else will be garage sale or trash or out on the curb. This new thing he wants to discuss with me isn't even anything that is his! It is so ridiculous.