Wife moved out and filed for divorce

[asitis]

Most of us have gone through this bafflement at why they aren't happy and come back when we change. Here's what we miss:

You shouldn't be too surprised that they get angry that it took walking out to fix your issues, that it was not enough to have her tell you, etc. It shows you didn't really listen to her. That hurts, and she gets angry.

The other thing you need to realize is that nothing you do right now is going to change her mind. Nothing. That is not the stage you are in. First, she isn't going to believe you are going to stick to your changes. Second, she's going to think you are only doing them to win her back rather than for her. Third, she is going to be angry that you could change but didn't, and that put her through a lot of pain.

So, don't tell her what you are doing. Don't perform for her. It is a type of pursuit, and it will not work. Sure, make the changes. That is important. But it has to be because it is who you want to be as a potential partner, and only that. If she gets to the point of reconsidering, then you demonstrating that you will stick with the new behaviors will be critical, and it is best if these have become habit before then. So do that work, but if anything you don't want to be the one to call her attention to them.

Right now, your job is to focus on you and give her space and time. Let her anger settle a bit. Let the tensions settle a bit. Stop the pursuit. No initiation of contact. Don't rationalize that you found something of hers that you think she wants & contact her. If she realizes you have something she wants, she's an adult & can let you know. Don't argue w/ her or take it too hard when she gets angry and vents, like she did when you apologized. It's normal. Just listen & validate ("I can see how that would make you angry, I'd be angry if the roles were reversed."). At least you are listening to her now, even if you didn't before.

It is also why you need to be focused on your own GAL. You need to become interesting again. She doesn't want you as her H. So, trying to win her back by showing her you can be a good H, won't work. It is necessary to fix your issues, but that is more because you want to & so you can be a good H some day in the future. What you need is to give her space so she can settle down a bit, and take that time to work on your life. If it is interesting and you are happy, that will do more to draw her back than wooing her (which is what you are still doing).

It is going to take time. A lot more than you'd like. It is going to take stopping the pursuit. You will continually learn the layers of pursuit. You will strip one layer away, then realize there are still other ways you are pursuing. Just having your focus on her, watching for signs that things are changing can send the subtle message that you are still pursuing.

Hang in there. Most of us have had to deal with exactly the puzzles & challenges you are.