Saw my wife for a few minutes today. Just to exchange a couple of things. Met at the park, I had my puppy, she loves dogs. After a very brief moment we were there her phone rang and it was work and while talking to them she got stung by a wasp twice!! So are meeting was somewhat upended. I was very casual and not clingy. But the wasp was.
Ok I failed the last few days of going dark. Tried call wife, no answer, texted her, she said she doesn't want to talk to me. Tired of rehashing things. I fear that going dark only makes her forget me. And I try to stay connected with her. Any suggestions?
My suggestion: read the 37 rules and stick to them.
They are really there for you to not get hurt. You can't control her feelings. If you know she doesn't want to talk to you, calling her is only going to upset her which will lead to you getting hurt.
Why would you do something you know is only going to cause you pain? Would you touch a hot stove?
I have to echo Azzork's statements. I learned the hard way over the years. Anytime I contact my wife (or ex-gf back in the day, same person) it never goes how I want. There are always expectations on my end and I always feel terrible after. So what makes me feel good.... not doing those things. If I let her contact me then there are no expectations for the interaction.
Well I did see my wife (it's still of to call her my wife right?) I had a couple more of her items pair of glasses and something else. Talked for a moment.
What good is it to go to a counselor to fix your problems, when after you go and confront them, all your wife says is why did it take going to a counselor in the first place. So I fix my problems and acknowledge it is my fault. Only to have said it is too late, should have done it earlier. Sort of defeats the whole reason for counseling. Just rambling and frustrated.
Hi Bobby, it's important to work on your problems for your own benefit and not just to try and 'win back' your W. I can see that you may feel disheartened that your W isn't turning. But if you are becoming a better you. That will serve you well for the rest of your life - whether or not your W chooses to be in it.
If you can take that perspective instead of being disappointed that your W hasn't yet 'turned,' that is positive progress I think.
Hang on in there.....S xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Most of us have gone through this bafflement at why they aren't happy and come back when we change. Here's what we miss:
You shouldn't be too surprised that they get angry that it took walking out to fix your issues, that it was not enough to have her tell you, etc. It shows you didn't really listen to her. That hurts, and she gets angry.
The other thing you need to realize is that nothing you do right now is going to change her mind. Nothing. That is not the stage you are in. First, she isn't going to believe you are going to stick to your changes. Second, she's going to think you are only doing them to win her back rather than for her. Third, she is going to be angry that you could change but didn't, and that put her through a lot of pain.
So, don't tell her what you are doing. Don't perform for her. It is a type of pursuit, and it will not work. Sure, make the changes. That is important. But it has to be because it is who you want to be as a potential partner, and only that. If she gets to the point of reconsidering, then you demonstrating that you will stick with the new behaviors will be critical, and it is best if these have become habit before then. So do that work, but if anything you don't want to be the one to call her attention to them.
Right now, your job is to focus on you and give her space and time. Let her anger settle a bit. Let the tensions settle a bit. Stop the pursuit. No initiation of contact. Don't rationalize that you found something of hers that you think she wants & contact her. If she realizes you have something she wants, she's an adult & can let you know. Don't argue w/ her or take it too hard when she gets angry and vents, like she did when you apologized. It's normal. Just listen & validate ("I can see how that would make you angry, I'd be angry if the roles were reversed."). At least you are listening to her now, even if you didn't before.
It is also why you need to be focused on your own GAL. You need to become interesting again. She doesn't want you as her H. So, trying to win her back by showing her you can be a good H, won't work. It is necessary to fix your issues, but that is more because you want to & so you can be a good H some day in the future. What you need is to give her space so she can settle down a bit, and take that time to work on your life. If it is interesting and you are happy, that will do more to draw her back than wooing her (which is what you are still doing).
It is going to take time. A lot more than you'd like. It is going to take stopping the pursuit. You will continually learn the layers of pursuit. You will strip one layer away, then realize there are still other ways you are pursuing. Just having your focus on her, watching for signs that things are changing can send the subtle message that you are still pursuing.
Hang in there. Most of us have had to deal with exactly the puzzles & challenges you are.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
