Alligator Love

[PigPen]

Good work Z. Sending the email to your L is honest. It's expressing your needs and fears and asking for some help. That's hard, but was needed. Hopefully your L will step up the plate with some professionalism and answer it in a way that's both truthful and helpful.

One day at a time my friend. The resiliency is so hard. So hard. But what else can we do? You don't really want to be that rabbit because that rabbit doesn't get any time with his kids, doesn't get to hear their laughter or shape their lives. I think all of us in DB land could use a week of 12 hours of sleep where someone else was taking care of all of our basic needs! I'd take it for sure.

Stay strong, keep taking deep breaths.

PP

[Zues126]

Thank you. All of you.

You're right PP. I just picked my kids up for an extended weekend together. My 4 year old wants to learn to play chess. I just taught her how the king and queen move. She might forget a few times, but when she got it right she lit up.

That's really as good as life gets. She may be heartbroken, abandoned by a WAH someday, or unable to have children, or injured in an accident, or any of the inevitable losses we incur in our lives. And she will go through much of the pain we've gone through, it's the right of passage of being human.

But for today she knows how to move the queen and it's all ok.

[JulieH]

Zues,

Not being able to trust your own perception or judgement really does suck! I guess its something we all go through when the stakes are high.

Can you consult with a different attorney to see if your legal situation is indeed being dealt with atypically ? (Kind of like going for a second opinion before scheduling a surgery.)

[JellyB]

Zues, sorry to hear of the emotional exhaustion that comes from keeping ones chin up and soul elevated through hard times...we all know a similar pain. I just wanted to offer that love and support to you as you do me, when my dark clouds begin to cluster. Anway it is Father's Day here in NZ and Australia and I thought of all the amazing dads I read about on the boards here. You my friend were one. Take care, you are in my thoughts. Xxx JellyB

[Zues126]

Thanks JB.

Today's sermon was about trusting God's will. We start in a state of wanting what we want. Then we try to have faith that God has a plan for us, but we can't trust him enough to let go of our own control, or to sacrifice. The point was that God has great things in store for us if we have faith and let him guide us. And that we can't do this only for big decisions, but to follow him daily.

The main point that relates, though, was the idea that we are NOT to use our own limited understanding of how we think things work to try to run our lives. Our understanding is very narrow and selfish, and we can't possibly lead our own lives. The more we are willing to put God ahead of ourselves, and really invite him to influence our daily choices, the more we can be part of what he has in store. It may not be everything we wanted, in fact it won't be...but it will be what God wants for us, and better than the destruction we bring on ourselves.

I look at my failings in the M, and I see all of it came from selfishness, of failing to release control over how I wanted the M to be, or how I thought STBX should be, or what I expected to get from it. I look at STBX's controlling issues and see that she, too, never let go, always held her desires/opinions/outlooks as the highest authority. I can see that I'd never be able to trust someone like that, because how could you?

Now we have these debates on this forum about what I should do. Stand or start dating. If I date, do I involve myself with a number of women, or do I do what I've done before? Do I set enhanced boundaries, and use this next relationship as a chance to 'hold out for what I want', or do I just go with the flow and take what comes my way and be appreciative.

What I know is that I need to trust in God to show me what he wants. If I make those decisions from a place of selfishness, fear, or lust, I'm bound to bring more pain to myself. And if I end up with someone else that is self-serving, they will bring that pain on me too.

M is tough, and I'm starting to think the only way it can work is if both people put God ahead of their M, and their M in front of themselves. It's not easy, but it's easier than D and broken families. And I'm starting to think that letting go of our will is the central growth post BD.

Funny thing is that I'm not a 'believer' in many senses of the word. But the wisdom of being subservient to principles greater than your own desires doesn't require a leap to the spiritual world. It really just makes sense.

So when the time comes I am ready for a new R, I will look for someone that doesn't hold themselves as their own authority in life- if God wants that for me . Most importantly, though, I will try to follow that path more often, so I don't destroy what I'm given the way I have in the past.

[Vanilla]

Zues

You know it's ok to just be? To be a human being made with the higher power with you?

Human beings long for connection, and God made two sexes for connection, so it's ok to ask for what you want. You know this, just ask and it shall be given.

So Zues, what do you want to ask for?

V

[Ginger1]

I thank you for responding to my post from last week. Things have been nuts, but I want you to know I did read it and I get a better idea where you are coming from.

You really should just accept yourself as you are and really work on getting rid of the self loathing you expressed you had at times. I do believe you do have a standard of being " perfect" in your own eyes. Learn to love yourself for who you are.

Which brings me to the statement of " do I stand or start dating". Well, those aren't your only choices. You can chose to stop standing but not have to start dating. Time alone working on loving yourself before you love another again can be some of the time best spent. You don't need to put pressure on yourself to be in one position or another. I think once you really being to love Zeus with your flaws (we all have them). You will find dating and that connection between 2 human beings much differently.

[Zues126]

I appreciate your reading and posting. Here's what I see when I read those posts:

You really should just accept yourself as you are and really work on...

You know it's ok to just be?

It's so strange. It's like I'm being told "what's wrong with you, don't you know there's nothing wrong with you, you don't need to make changes to be ok with yourself, so pull it together and change your attitude!"

I'm not dismissing or arguing. Just explaining why this is confusing to me.

I feel like I am pretty ok with who I am but that it's others that have a problem with me, so I have been disappointed with myself because I can't win. Whether that means watching both of my partners citing my faults and walking out on me, or just never finding the right words to have everyone on the forums say 'hey Z, glad you're having fun on the road' (which I understand because this forum is devoted to growth and positive life changers).

So to me it is more about lowering my expectations from being able to meet everyone's standards, to knowing who I am and being ok with it even if those around me throw stones.

Interesting to mull over.

For now though I am closer to just being than I ever have been. It's alright.

[SunnyB]

For now though I am closer to just being than I ever have been.

Zues, this is one of the most life changing revelations I had on this journey. In the weeks after BD, when is was a challenge to breathe daily, I started meditating using the Calm app. Sometimes I'd sit in my car and do a two minute guided meditation just to be able to get out of the car and carry on with my day. One of the phrases in the meditations is that "there's nothing to do, this is your time". It was an incredible revelation to me that such a thing was possible.

If I date, do I involve myself with a number of women, or do I do what I've done before? Do I set enhanced boundaries, and use this next relationship as a chance to 'hold out for what I want', or do I just go with the flow and take what comes my way and be appreciative.

What I'd like to see for you, Zues, is that you date a woman who turns out not to be right for you. Not that you friviously let her go just for the sake of serial dating, not that you settle for someone who has some good qualities but isn't right for you, but that you genuinely come to the conclusion on your own that although this woman is a fine human being and you have enjoyed some good times with her, you and she are not the match you want. And then you respectfully end it, and are able with a clear mind to open yourself up to the next relationship, which may or may not be right for you either. This is what I was trying to explain before that I never got quite right. I wouldn't want you to miss the right woman just because you thought you were supposed to be dating a lot of women any more than I'd want you to commit to the first woman you meet because she seems good enough. There's someone out there for you, and I hope you don't find her right away.

It's so strange. It's like I'm being told "what's wrong with you, don't you know there's nothing wrong with you, you don't need to make changes to be ok with yourself, so pull it together and change your attitude!"

This has me smiling, because it's so consistent with who I have come to understand you are.

I updated my weekend on my own thread, but here's a spoiler: no alligators.

[Vanilla]

I appreciate your reading and posting. Here's what I see when I read those posts:

You really should just accept yourself as you are and really work on...

You know it's ok to just be?

It's so strange. It's like I'm being told "what's wrong with you, don't you know there's nothing wrong with you, you don't need to make changes to be ok with yourself, so pull it together and change your attitude!"

I'm not dismissing or arguing. Just explaining why this is confusing to me.

Actually the two quotes say almost the same thing in slightly different ways. Although I prefer choices rather than absolutes. Separate the human being from the human doing. The core higher power of Zues, the insight, love, strength and just plain ole cussed is just fine. Zues is as he is and is perfectly fine. It's the expression of Zues that has let him feel that his core is unworthy. Zues wants to change his past behaviours, some of the things are unexeceptable to Zues today. That is how Zues expresses himself and like the rest of us here, can change, improve his behaviours to give the best and to get a better result for Zues. It's the behaviour and beliefs that could be changed because this performs better. In essence gives Zues the best and easiest path in life, helps him achieve his goals.

I feel like I am pretty ok with who I am but that it's others that have a problem with me, so I have been disappointed with myself because I can't win. Whether that means watching both of my partners citing my faults and walking out on me, or just never finding the right words to have everyone on the forums say 'hey Z, glad you're having fun on the road' (which I understand because this forum is devoted to growth and positive life changers).

If others have a problem with Zues and Zues is authentic to Zues at his core, that's their issue. What others think of you is their business not yours. What you think of you is more important. Your partners are citing what they see as your faults (behaviours) see this as feedback and if it's valid change the behaviour if that's important to you.

So to me it is more about lowering my expectations from being able to meet everyone's standards, to knowing who I am and being ok with it even if those around me throw stones.

why have expectations? Meet your own standards!

Interesting to mull over.

For now though I am closer to just being than I ever have been. It's alright.

This is a pivot statement and very important. Just to be is enough.

V