I had to in order to survive the lack of help. I have also stepped back enough to see that I think he wanted mothering due to childhood issues and I wanted help--not another child to rear. Time to live with the disappointments of the past and leave them there. Garden variety marital problems...
"Had to"? Why was that your ONLY option?
I had a career, two kids, a wife, a cat and two dogs, a house and ailing grandparents to help take care of (from a distance admittedly). And along the way I also made time for being active in my church and kids schools and activities and went to school. I never forgot my starter wife in the 20 years we were married. I didn't neglect her either. If anything, I neglected my friends, but saw that as part of the package.
I'm not suggesting anyone do the same, but I am challenging the idea that your only option was to distance.
What you describe is one of the hardest to come back from - years of distancing. I'll be honest - MLC or not, your H may honestly feel "abandoned" by you as you say you feel from him. What you describe is a long standing set of differences and ways of dealing with feelings of hurt.
How to fix it is really the question. I think you are off to a great start, but I think more is needed. I think your method of saying only kind words to each other is a great start. I also think you won't be able to have expectations of zero-day changes. Undoing those long-standing cycles of hurt and reaction and distance won't be easy for either of you.
I know there is more to it. I am not taking sides. I am only interested in helping you to identify strategies to help you get the marriage with your H back to what you likely both want it to be. And I think it starts with challenging that notion of "had to".
You cannot change him, but you can change you. It seems appropriate to quote Ghandi, "Be the change you want to see." The corollary to that is that you should not expect others to change immediately. Others changes lag behind yours. And I think you might see that your H is trying to change to. Albeit in a more destructive way. But regardless what happens with your marriage, you need to change the destructive "garden variety" marital problem behaviors. For this relationship or any other.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
