as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

[asitis]

I think it mostly just forgetfulness on her part. It's not just things having to do w/ me, she's just plain more forgetful.

I know that she is not thinking her life is all that great right now. She's showing signs of depression still, talks about how hard this is for her, and just doesn't seem all that happy. That doesn't mean she is sitting around thinking of me & how to send messages.

You're right that we don't ultimately have that much control. We can DB perfectly and still have it not work out. I think this down mood today was not a why aren't we making progress down. It is more that I was starting to feel like the stress was down and things were at least smooth sailing so that I could just focus on my life. It is often then that W throws something into the room to screw that mood up. So, just pure anticipatory anxiety. I know things haven't changed, I know there are going to be these, things are going well right now, so it's time for her to make things uncomfortable again.

Putting it this way, I wonder if she starts feeling this way too, and it scares her. As we can just relax and get settled into a grove of relatively smooth sailing as co-parents. That could make her feel uneasy for many reasons (fear that she might have some feelings towards me, fear that she has not been maintaining her boundaries forcefully enough & I might do something that hurts her, fear that I'm not paying attention to her when I can be just pleasant but not focused on her like I clearly am when she stirs the pot). Who knows. No use guessing. But realizing that for whatever reason that there seems to be a pattern that I've unconsciously picked up on is at least something to be aware of. Not that I can do anything about it. But knowing that this is just par for the course may make it easier to not get caught by surprise.

Just thinking out loud. And, yes I'm aware there was a bit of mind reading in some of that. In this case, it is allowing me to relax & get my focus back on me.