MLC Funhouse continues

[HaWho]

"Celebrated" 15th anniversary a few days ago. It was a strange day all around. A year ago, H had forgotten 14th anniversary and when I suggested going out to dinner the day of, he monstered at me in front of the kids. I was rounding out the last few months in my own multi-year depression and didn't really know what to make of the monstering. Ignorant days where I knew nothing of MLC.

I had a small gift for H and planned to bake something simple for him as he is a foodie. The dessert was something quick that, if he remembered anniversary I could whip up. When he came to me months ago and decided he wanted to work on R, I said I wanted to do something for our anniversary this year, just something simple.

Morning of, it seemed he had forgotten. Then mid-day he asked if we could all go to dinner to celebrate the anniversary. I said yes. When I came home there were flowers and I thanked him. He insisted I had forgotten as I said nothing about it in the am. (He certainly could have said something first, too, and given what happened on anniversary last year, I really wasn't enthusiastic about initiating celebration.) I told him I did not forget but also did not remind him of last year. He seemed hurt like I really did forget. I tried to re-assure him again. When I presented gift he believed me.

Baked him a dessert and gave him a gift. It all felt very awkward-like going through the motions. Could not help but think of happiness we felt 15 years ago and the pain of today. 15 years ago, never would I have imagined my seemingly stable H spinning in MLC. Oi!

As H ate dessert he made a passive aggressive shot that I had barely done any baking the last 10 years. I felt myself just drift away. I said nothing but the stiffening of my demeanor said it all. He tried to butter me up by initiating other unrelated conversations. I went though the motions as one kid was present but mentally I was checked out. And he knew it.

A few months ago when we discussed what we needed in R, I told him I wanted to be done bringing up past wrongs. We each have axes to grind with each other. Raising kids took a toll on our M. By any normal standard he did not help as much as he should have. He feels I should have taken better care of him vs. focusing on kids. I countered that if he had helped me more I would have doted on him more. And around and around we went. I am done discussing it. It is finished and we are at a different point now. There are no diapers to change, baths to give, etc. I have reconciled that he disappointed me in those years. I did what I needed to do to raise my kids and in my mind I distanced from him in those years. I had to in order to survive the lack of help. I have also stepped back enough to see that I think he wanted mothering due to childhood issues and I wanted help--not another child to rear. Time to live with the disappointments of the past and leave them there. Garden variety marital problems...

Anyway, I pull away, like old self. Next what would follow is we would ignore each other for a week or so until I brokered peace. (I would not sleep, have anger build and he would go on as nothing happened.) I gave up trying to tell him how I felt because he was always right, never apologized and then more hostility ensues. And around we went there, too. I decide to take dog out for a walk. I am so bored by this old dance and yet see no way around it. I know if I address it, he will never admit fault and yet if I don't address it resentment builds in me, hence more distancing.

As I head out, he says he'd like to come to. I don't want him along. I am so bored and tired by old passive aggressive behavior. This is a 180 for him as he usually just distances. So I do a 180 and say yes. Old me would have ignored him, turning up the music and taking my steps in the dance.

We walk and he apologizes!!! I think this is the 3rd time in 20 years I have heard those words. I listen. He says it was a joke. I do not believe it (I think it is his anger at not being mothered by his own mother and by me in those years). I say thank you for apologizing and tell him I want there to be kind words between us. He says I can make passive aggressive shots too. I get down in the mud and say I have not made any such shots since we decided to try to work in R. He is forced to agree. He says we need to not ignore each other over this. I peck him on cheek and say: let's bury it.

We do and that's what makes it special. Changing our old dysfunctional patterns is the best gift we can give each other. My marriage is not where I hoped it would be 15 years ago. But, 7 months ago, I did not even expect we'd be talking! So, sadly but realistically, it is all where it should be given the circumstances.