My days have been a bit cloudy lately, not sure why. Perhaps it's having my dog back and realizing how much I missed him over the past four months, and having that feeling stir up how much I miss my W and don't understand this process. I do understand it rationally, but don't in my heart.
I feel the exact same at times and its just what it is. This can be one of the hardest things we will every experience in life so it makes sense the feelings come back when triggered by something. I was thinking about my new job and the possibility of being in my companies Paris tech center for training. Then I got to thinking all the things I would want to go to see while there, mind wanders to the Eiffel tower. Then It hits me how many couples go there on romantic vacations and I would be there alone, thinking of W and begin crying.
It's Friday and already I'm steeling myself for the weekend. Against thoughts of what my W may be doing, who she's with, and if she's thinking of me. One three day weekend and I realize how much detaching there still is to do. I understand why people break down and just file for D's themselves or start a new relationship with someone else. The tiniest bit of hope that the DB process keeps can be challenging in itself. Detach, detach, detach.
Yep, its just too easy to be done with all of this after all of the suffering we go through. I think what keeps me away from that is understanding it only provides some relief. The pain will still come back in the future one way or another.
That being said, I'm grateful for the hope as it's still a driving force to stay strong, stay sober, keep learning, and not give in to the dark archetypal pattern of divorce that seems so ready and willing to scoop us all up. I still see it with friends, and read about it elsewhere and do not want to be a part of that.
Balance I think is the key in everything we do here, I see that more and more lately. Just enough hope to not throw in the towel so we continue to do the work but also not enough to where we don't accept the reality of the situation. Accept what is happening but with a tiny sliver of hope that it may turn around.
If there truly are lessons to be learned from pain, we're all learning them here. I know I am. If one of them is gratitude, that lesson is a big one.
Thats what keeps me going, the learning about myself and grown that this gives. In some ways we're lucky for this experience (F me for actually saying that, but it has its kernel of truth).
Have a strong Friday DB'ers.
PP
Enjoy your weekend PP, hope you have a good one
-Fogg
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
