On to Part V.

[TLEE86]

Beag- I know... Sometimes I just need a release. Whether thats here or forcing myself to go for a run late at night..i have a tendency to get super emotional about something at that moment in time and then i realize that its not the end of the world and i need to slow down a bit. Im not sure about signing yet. It hasn't ben brought up by either side.

DW- Man do I know what you are talking about.

Sounds to me like your WW was having trouble with OM when she wrote those entries about possibly getting back together with you. I think it's common for a WW in that situation. Mine does the same sort of stuff. Any time she's having a fight with OM or things not going well, she starts posting quotes on FB talking about what could have been, etc. She sometimes likes to put pictures out there of us as a family. But it never lasts, since they make up in a day or two, then it's back to lights out. The level and frequency of their arguments is so intense that I'm sure it won't last. They've only been together a few months; I don't think the two of us even had an argument for over a year after we started dating.

We got married 1 year and 3 days after we met..not arguing or threatening to leave each other. As you said, these A relationships are toxic and probably wont last. My WW is obviously doing the same as yours. When she wrote all those things she and OM were fighting about a variety of things. And yes, the FB pictures of her and the dogs...and now that its been a couple weeks..im sure they've made up and just like you..back to NC for the most part.

Azz and Z- ill try and explain what the journal used to be and why i write in it but i have thought the same things you're writing as to what good its doing.

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The journal, I call it a journal but really think of it like a...diary. A War Diary. Butches it up a little bit.

But when I was deployed we couldn't always talk, couldn't always share things with each other for a lot of reasons of how we truly felt. So we started this journal and it was a great way to release our thoughts and feelings that we couldn't necessarily say to each other at that moment in time, didnt want to say to each other, or didnt know how because of everything going on. So by writing in it, we got to share our deepest thoughts and it was just a great release, whether it be happy things or sad things or angry stuff.

We stopped writing in it when i came home because we could obviously just talk to each other.

Since the separation almost a year ago, ive been continuing to write in it. I wrote in it almost every day to just let everything go, no holds barred just...if i felt angry i wrote that. if i was bawling my eyes out, i wrote it. its just a great emotional release for me because since i am in the army and new to TX, i don't have too many friends here that i am willing to share these details with so i vent to the journal. Much more than i write here because sometimes its just a one word sentence. sometimes pages- depends on the day.

So we both started writing in it again after we saw each other a few weeks ago...and i would continue to write the way i always have. no holds barred, everything from i miss her to how my day went. And she would do the same.

But now she seems to have lost interest in it, as i feared she would. she still writes in it but not nearly as often as she did the first week i left and not about getting back together anymore.

Azz, DW, and Z- you're right in that it is a way for us to both get hurt since it is just words but they are impactful. I guess i, we, thought it was gonna be a medium again to share and write things that are difficult to express over the phone or even an email. because these journal entries aren't directed at each other, its just..about each other. idk if that makes sense. and I don't know if its the right thing to do.