The last 3.5 years of my life has been exhausting. Feeling this sort of cleansing grief and burnout from all that's happened.
For me, these papers represent freedom and a lost family member and a lost dream. Somehow, I reached this end point... with a lot of God's grace and a lot of support from people on these boards.
It's an end and a beginning. I feel free to live life on MY terms. It's daunting to think I, alone, am responsible for my girls. If we want to go to DisneyWorld, I will need to make that happen. If I want to help D21 get through med school, I will need to earn the income to make it happen. I am responsible for creating a decent life for my girls.
My dad didn't make his wads of cash until he was in his fifties. I can do this.
In recent months, I've beaten myself up for a perceived failure with this job in NY. The reality is... I'm tired and I have every reason to be tired.
Kinda thinking the key to a re-charge is honoring the exhaustion, resting up and then kickin some financial a$$.
I have a plan. I have connected with other writers who are earning six-figure incomes. I can do this.
I've always loved solitaire. Even when I was kid, I would spend hours on similar games where you were up against yourself and had to use strategy. I was thinking about this while playing a challenging solitaire game. When I lose, I reset the game and start over until I'm convinced there's no way to win that particular deal. I will go over countless strategies until I feel convinced I've done all I can.
I think I do that in life. I did that with Matt. I exhausted ALL possibilities and gave him every chance.
And, I will do that professionally. I will continue reworking/rebuilding/renewing/regrouping until I find the solution which works for me.
And, I'm going to allow myself a little rest. For the first time in my whole life, I feel like God has my back. I feel good with God. I KNOW God understands me, "gets" my decisions and is completely cool with where I'm at today.
When I started this journey...I used to hear this little girl in my head as I feel asleep. Every night for my entire life...I heard this little girl crying for her mom.
Now, when I put my head on the pillow, I hear God saying, "I love you Heather. God loves you."
That's what this journey did for ME. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
