I wound up having my A when i was 21. Our M was alreasy strained. It started strained as could be. Looking back it makes me think why we eveb were together. When we were younger my wife had a bad habit of tit for tat. I broke up with her for a month to try being with someone else. So she slept else with someone three days before we got married.
Looking back I realize that I shouldn't have jumped into the marriage then. I loves her so much, but the pain was so bad that I wasn't in love with her then. I didn't want to lose her, and she always seemed to move past me so easily and quickly. So I married her because I had never loved another person, and I didn't want to lose her. She meant the world to me and, even though my pain and resentment was high at that point, I pressed forwardfor our future.
We worked at a pizza place together at this point in our lives. She seemed to love me and that was enough. Until I met a friend of a friend, she was cute and sweet and even though she had no interest in me in that way. My younger socially awkward self thought she might, and that pulled me away from my wife. I wouldnt call it an EA, but my chasing of her angered my wife and cause problems for us.
My W and I stayed together for a few months after that. I got fired from the pizza place (cant be a delivery driver with out a car. Lol) Not long after she quit and started working at a gas station. She worked until 1-2 am sometimes while I sat at home(we lived with her oarents at this point) I tried looking for another job and actually got an interview, but ironically I was arrested for FTA of a speeding ticket the day if my interview.
My father and W bailed me out that day, but I never got a job while we were together with her parents. A few weeks later she kicked me out and we separated for like half a year. It was during this time i met my future A person, but I digress nothing between us then. My W actually started dating the guy she slept with before we got married during this time. It killed me. I chased, begged, did everything I know now I shouldn't have.
They eventually broke up ,it's been ago I cant remember why though, but they did and I was so happy. The pain of it really hurt deep, but again I got back with her. (She dated a few other guys before we did but they were insignificant) We started "dating" again while i lived with my father and she lived with her parents. We were happy again though. We fell back in love but my pain over the OM still was there. We eventually got an apartment together a few months later, but that is when the problems returned.
She had begun working at Walmart then. I was working for my father(still am ) she would work nights and i worked days. At this point I checked out to games for the first time. It kept me busy while she was at work and kept my from thinking about the pain I still hadn't addressed from the OM. I never did the chores. Looking back I know it wasnt fair to her, I can say how she felt but I know she wasnt happy anymore looking back. We began to argue and fight again.
Looking back I realize what a monster I was. I would lash out with horrible comments and we both began hitting each other briefly (these years werr the darkest time in our M) she was the first to hit me however she stopped hitting me after the first few times i pushed back. She got pregnant during this time but lost it(she had a clotting problem we didn't know about.) It was only a miscarriage but it meant something to her then. The night she passed it I was asleep when it happend(it was so early on the dr made had her pass it at home) she tried to wake me up to come see it, but I got angry when she woke up(no violence but i did flip over our night stand) i yelled at her, showed no empathy, looked at it in the toilet and went back to sleep. All while she was in tears over the loss. These words are so painful to type and read now, but they are what happened.
We went along with our lives. Still fighting although not so much in the violence because she had quit initiating it. I remained checked out on games. She lived her life. A few months later I becan talking to an OW (my EA/PA) It felt so good to feel wanted and listened to again. I didnt talk to my W at that point to avoid the fights. We still talked a little and fought though. My wife wound up pregnant again with my son at this point(she lost him at 21 weeks but he was my son) We moved into a new apartment and she had changed jobs to almost a 3rd shift in the bakery of Walmart.
I talked to the OW for 3 months all while my wife and I fought and made up and the like. Looking back I know the OW didnt like me, but what I represented to her. Me and the OW saw each other, but nothing physical aside from hugs and a peck kiss or two. The A finally came to an end after the first time we were physical. I wanted it so badly before it happened, but after I was racked with guilt and pain. I ended it with her the next day.
She texted my phone a few days after that and said that she was ok with thing, but felt like she was used. My W saw the text not me. She took my phone to work and kept texting the OW to find out what happened. She left work early that day and came home to confront me. I was still detached and checked out, but when she confronted me I lied. I didnt want to lose my wife or fight again so I lied to make it seem less painful. I was so wrong for that, but I cant change the past.
My kids are all waking up so I am going to have to finish the rest of the story later. As always sorry for the massive wall of text and god bless you if you read it all, but i woke up to a quiet house and felt like talking (typing) to abyone that will hear me.
The hurt is strong inside me right now when i look back on our history. It was so messed up. We had good times in there, it was just far outweighed by the bad.
) she would work nights and i worked days. At this point I checked out to games for the first time. It kept me busy while she was at work and kept my from thinking about the pain I still hadn't addressed from the OM. I never did the chores. Looking back I know it wasnt fair to her, I can say how she felt but I know she wasnt happy anymore looking back. We began to argue and fight again.
