I am still working on my anger. Im not violent , but during arguments with my wife I find myself saying hurtful things that I dont mean when I feel attacked. That hasn't been an issue for us in a long time, but mainly because we didnt really talk anymore once I checked out. However, moving forward I know I must adress this to be a better person either way.
Very likely this will happen when you become angry about whats happening. It will come, all apart of the grief process. 'The Solo Partner' was something that helped me to stop reacting to W and something I'm still reading and working on. Its an older book and can be found for only a few dollars online. When we get attacked in that way our minds revert to a defensive place and attach back without thinking. If you understand why you react it helps to stop you but you also just need practice to get catch it before it happens.
As for the hope and letting go, I think it takes a specific balance to get right. Early on in the sitch hope and co-dependency drives us to stay stuck on the W which does have its impacts on our health and sanity. We look at every interaction and snoop to try and piece together what we want to see which is rarely what really is happening. Point being, a nice comment or the W being nice to us doesn't mean they want to be M to us. Even if they do something that shows they love us unintentionally, it doesn't mean we will be together.
Really the issue is accepting whats happening. You can keep hope things may work out in some way in the future but don't get stuck on that as the only possibility. At the point when we get here its more likely we will D, as much as we may not like it.
A good place to start on you might be to figure out why you had an A and why you retreated into video games. I did the same with the games so I understand, I mostly gave them up in January.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
