Well I had another DB misstep tonight... OK, two. W seemed pretty mad at me I didn't say anything to her at the AP among other things. I sent her a text saying I wanted nothing more than to give her a big hug when I saw her. Tonight I picked up our 3 G's from a friends house to take them for ice cream. W was there. When she left I opened her car door and gave her a big hug. I couldn't help it. She seemed a little surprised but hugged back, maybe to avoid an uncomfortable situation for the kids I don't know. It felt really good. Damn I miss her.
Sandi nailed it (as usual, please listen to these folks). There is a Withdrawl you need to go through here. It is the physical and emotional dependency you have on your wife. Guess what, right now she has already made it through this 'phase'. You will have to take a deep breath and think about that...she does not WANT that connection, physically or emotionally from you right now. It may take some time for this to really sink in, there are plenty of things folks are going to be dumping on you and they are all important to understand and start to practice.
This one is BIG, she needs space from you right now and if you do not give it, you will only drive her farther away.
I understand what you are saying and it makes 100% counterintuitive sense. My problem is that now that they are back, if I want to see my kids I have to communicate with my wife. I will not hug her or tell her she is beautiful anymore. I will just smile and be cordial.
I took my kids for a nice overnight trip to a nice hotel for one night and two days. We had a great time. I have to focus on making my R with them better. They are really confused and think that it must be me that has done something very bad in order for their mother to do this to our family, pretty much their exact words. Its a very tough sitch. They are not comfortable speaking about it at all, I cant even really bring it up to them. I don't know if W has been speaking with them or not but for sure they way they see her treating me has a huge impact on them. I will keep working on me and being the best Dad that I can given the circumstances but the chips are stacked against me.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
So W is working now full time and has our 3 D's pretty much full time. I see them a couple of days a week until things get settled. I have really been easy going on the whole thing thinking that she may have a change of heart and want to work it out. I now realize that this is out of the question. Now that I have given up on that idea I actually feel a lot better. I am focussing on my D's a lot more and want to increase the amount of time I spend with them and they stay over with me. In the past I hadn't pushed it too much because I didn't want to make W angry. She had used them against me a few times to get me to meet with L and mediators faster. I am really seeing what an evil person she is capable of being and what has probably been brewing just below the surface forever. Her entire family is divorced and each of her siblings never speaks with their X's and openly says they hate them. My W's mother is a piece of work. She is the ring leader of all of them. She is D with her H who is an amazing guy and my vote for Saint for putting up with her as long as he did. She never speaks to him and drove him out of the country. She is the most negative person you will ever meet and absolutely thrives on the drama of the divorce of all of her kids. Its like it gives her a purpose in life. Anyways, enough about that mess. My W has all of a sudden released her mother's DNA and is just being vicious. I gave her whatever she wanted from the house contents and she still harassed me for little things. She jumped up and down like a little spoiled 3 year old about a pair of speakers saying we had an agreement. I said why am I the only one who has to stand up to my agreements? She agreed to "let" me drive the family to the airport when they went on a month long trip, changed her mind at the last minute and didn't even have the decency to tell me. What happened to that agreement? Also there was the agreement that we made in front of all our family and friends and God with vows call our marriage, till death do us part, in good times and bad... what about that agreement?
Ok... breath...
I am going to send her a shared online calendar that I want her to fill out for the regular weekly planned events (bball practices, girl guides, soccer...). When she sends it back we will decide when I get the G's to stay over. I already made it clear I don't want both of my nights (if that is what I get) to be the busiest nights with nothing but driving around like a mad man with getting up super early for something else. I made it clear I want nights when I can spend quality time with them playing games or watching a movie, doing homework that type of thing.
Is this not realistic? She will try to give the worst nights she does not want and say "I have them 5 days a week, 24 hours a day do all the cooking, cleaning..." to which I will say - ya, but you fired me from that job, remember? I was more than happy to help pull my share right along side of you.
The next question is: the nights that I don't have the G's she will expect me to drive them around probably 2-3 nights per week if not more and again it will be the crappy nights and events she does not want to do. She will pick the closer shorter events where she can sit on her a$$ and talk with her friends.
I am stuck with these as I want to see my kids whenever I can and support them as best I can but I don't want to be the beck and call taxi driver for my W, who fired me.
Any comments and/or suggestions?
Last edited by duke; 09/09/1508:33 PM.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
My best suggestion is ask HeavyD, she is fantastic at this stuff and cooperating with her wife on co parenting, it hasn't been easy for her to reach that point.
Oh and that is a request to make life easier for both of you and so there is no mix ups and you do love your Ds and want to share life with them, to free her time, aid communication........ isn't it with a validation?
And if you have to start with some crappy nights it's worth it, they are your kids. You won't regret a second if you do, but will have lots of regrets if you don't. No nights are really crappy if you get to be with your kids in active mode, but you would also like chill time too wouldn't you?
Attitude shift if you need to cooperate.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/09/1509:06 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Well... W continues to make life worse by the day. I really thought she would come back from a month away and have a change of heart or at least not be so heartless. Such is not the case. Two days after she got back she screamed at me on the phone because she couldn't access our bank account or use her card. She accused me of changing something and cutting her off. It ends up that she just used the wrong password. Of course I was concerned as I didn't want my family to be without money so I made sure everything was OK on my end. Did she let me know that it was her mistake? Nope, nothing. I had to ask her a few times and eventually she told me what happened. I why she wouldn't think to let me know since I was concerned and she said "why?", like what do I care? Unreal.
We had an agreement with a Family Mediator that I would create an online calendar that we could share so that I could help driving and take part in the kids activities. Since she controls the schedule she was supposed to fill in the dates and notify me of any special events. I made the calendar and sent her the link. She told me that she was not going to complete the calendar or tell me anything. If I wanted to find anything out I would have to contact the kids 3 different schools. I told her that she was being very spiteful and only doing this to hurt me, that the only thing she was hurting was the relationship with our daughters and me. Thankfully its all in writing, about 3 pages worth. I have asked many times to see my kids and to set up a schedule, she refuses and ignores. My only option at this point is to meet with my new L next week and go the legal route. It is very unfortunate because I was and am more than willing to participate in my kids lives in a big way, to be there for them and to drive them anywhere they need to be. My W is choosing to make this very difficult just to hurt me. Pretty childish.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
This straight from my heart, because I really believe this. Dads are very important to Kids and can be the more stable parent in every way.
Every time you try to appease WW then I believe the ground under you is being cut away.
Your WW is in your life only as long as she is your W, the kids are your daughters for all of your life from now. This is key, the rest is noise.
WW is exceptionally high in expectation and entitlement and that does not outweigh your rights as a father and your kids to be, see and interact with you.
It is time for you to consider your future and that of your precious gorgeous girls. It is time to stop providing succour and soothing for your WW. It's time to withdraw yourself as a cashpoint machine for WW.
Sweetheart, YOU need a future and that is for you and your children. A screaming angry mother together with a soothing placating father is poor as a role model for your daughters. At this stage they need a strong, protective and loving father. One with enough connection and hugs to go round.
Duke, no fade, your beautiful developing daughters are not an extension of WW, it would be a great sadness if they became mini WWs as a result of you placating. Your heart is good and you love greatly, but your love is enabling WW to behave as she does.
I read a man with tremendous love and capability of joy. This is inside of you, the purity that connects you to your children, from a generation of men for who the connection feeds their spirit.
There are some amazing wonderful fathers on this board, men who are the stable fabulous fathers for their children. men who through looking inwards, see growth, love and connection through investing in the relationships that nurture the spirit.
When you get an L. When you cut off fin supply, when you mediate and insist that agreements are honoured you stand for you and for your children. When you pay no more no less than agreements, when you help as much as you can that which is important to your children. Then you are becoming a man who only a fool will leave.
This is a pivot point, it is the point at which you fight for your own wellbeing and for your daughters.
Forget why WW is doing this, you will never know, it makes sense to WW. Know yourself.
Originally Posted By: duke
Well... W continues to make life worse by the day. I really thought she would come back from a month away and have a change of heart or at least not be so heartless.
daydreams! Your WW has decided a month away is needed to create more distance.
Such is not the case. Two days after she got back she screamed at me on the phone because she couldn't access our bank account or use her card.
Time to stop this. Time to remove access to 'our' bank account. Time for WW to feel the impact of her decisions. Time for her to have her own account with her fixed amount to live on.
She accused me of changing something and cutting her off.
You should.
It ends up that she just used the wrong password.
Duh!!
Of course I was concerned as I didn't want my family to be without money so I made sure everything was OK on my end.
This makes no sense to me. WW is suffering no consequences.
Did she let me know that it was her mistake? Nope, nothing. I had to ask her a few times and eventually she told me what happened. I why she wouldn't think to let me know since I was concerned and she said "why?", like what do I care? Unreal.
Sweetheart, it's you in a daydream not WW being 'unreal'. It's like complaining an alcoholic is behaving like a drunk. Why would you expect anything different? She is a WW behaving like a WW, running wild and free as the most fun WW things to do. Entitled, petulant and out of control.
We had an agreement with a Family Mediator that I would create an online calendar that we could share so that I could help driving and take part in the kids activities. Since she controls the schedule she was supposed to fill in the dates and notify me of any special events. I made the calendar and sent her the link.
It's definitely agreed so if WW isn't complying then a boundary both legally and morally is breached. Keep very good documentation.
She told me that she was not going to complete the calendar or tell me anything. If I wanted to find anything out I would have to contact the kids 3 different schools.
Is this recorded or in writing?
I told her that she was being very spiteful and only doing this to hurt me,
Stop this, it isn't good. I know you are hurting and wanting to hit back, but you are better than this. It's bad response to bad response. How can you react in a way that gets you to where you want to be? Reflect on this, is it working?
that the only thing she was hurting was the relationship with our daughters and me.
So are you with this reaction! I would like to help you open your eyes to get you to where you want to be.
Thankfully its all in writing, about 3 pages worth.
what is available from you as a response?
I have asked many times to see my kids and to set up a schedule, she refuses and ignores.
Stop asking, insanity is doing the same thing asking for a different result. Do something else. Boundary and strong enforcing. You have the resources to change this, find the will to start fight for your daughters. Fight for your rights, not against WW.
My only option at this point is to meet with my new L next week and go the legal route.
There are many routes to this result, do that which works, hell apply them all. Go the distance.
It is very unfortunate because I was and am more than willing to participate in my kids lives in a big way,
Unfortnate? Willing? Please can you state this in a very positive way?
to be there for them and to drive them anywhere they need to be.
Being a dad is more than being there physically or taking them places? What do you want to be to your Ds? Do you see each one with individual needs? What is special about each one of them? what are their LLs?
My W is choosing to make this very difficult just to hurt me.
So you can mind read? You are the one choosing to hurt you by guessing! She may just do it because you try harder to please her. Because it's Tuesday, she has indigestion.
Pretty childish.
Pretty WW.
It sounds like V is giving you a 4x4, duke I want this fabulous loving father to fight with every ounce he has for a connection and involvement with his daughters. I want him to know he is a good man, a loving man, who is at a cross roads. At a time when these beautiful precious girls need him more than ever.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/16/1511:45 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
This is a sample of where you can be soon, Dwh has had to fight very hard for his kids, he writes about each one, interacts and loves each one. I am so impressed with how Dwh has grown as a man and a father. I have told him so.
I see this in duke, this great love, connecting to his higher power.
