We both just gave up on each other. I know in my mind, I started to not care as much as I did. I'm pretty sure she was the same way. The only difference was I was willing to put myself through hell, and she wanted to walk away.
I look at my girls and I tell myself how can you just walk away. They are not happy my oldest has asked numerous times for us to be together again. The W had told her it is not going to happen, in however she put it. I just tell her that sometimes grown ups don't get along, but we will always be there for her and her sister.
I don't know what's right or wrong. I'm proud of myself for what I have been able to do. I'm still doing very good with the porn habit, it's been a few months of nothing. I have realized that I do have a problem and it needs to be addressed on numerous fronts, but I am trying and that's what counts. But I have noticed, the further I get away from that stuff the closer I feel to her.
I'm also having money issues, which always seems to happen in these scenarios. I'm trying to supplement my income, side job, but it's not coming fast enough. I'm really trying to work on my patients and just being able to wait. That's a big thing for me, always has been.
I know there is not an easy answer to any of this. I won't know why or how some of this happened, until it all get revealed. I just want to be happy. I want to know how to be happy for me. I still don't know that answer, and it seems like I may not know it, maybe ever. But I want to keep working toward that. There is a history of both mental breakdown illness and sexual issues in my family. I have learned things about my father I didn't know. And I think that's part of it. But I have made up mind to believe in myself. I don't know if it is enough or not. Yes I have a few minor slips, yes I do stupid tjings, but I'm trying to be more aware and see them before they get worse. I know I will never be able to recover my W's trust and love, that ship has sailed. But I have 2 girls that deserve the best me. So much I have balled up inside. Ugh!!